Fun with Fundies (December 26, 2009)

The plain comparison of living, biotic beings to inanimate objects shows a clear misunderstanding of evolution in the first place. And isn't that the trend that binds all of the science deniers? It truly is. There is a pattern of complete misunderstanding of Darwinian evolution, not to mention its history and progress. But in all, these people just hate science because science has taken the myths of yesterday and exposed them as the...well, myths that they are.

Religionists have a problem with science only when it interferes with beliefs that were written down in a book 2,000+ years ago by cattle-worshiping primitives who thought the Sun was magic. But they have no problem putting their lives in the hands of science when getting on an airplane or starting their cars, do they? Either you accept science or you don't. The Amish have it right. They reject science and all of science. They stick in their own communities and only come out when they need to. And best of all, they don't utilize technology. I have no problem with primitive minds doing primitive things and staying out of the way of the advancement of the rest of society. What I have a problem with is what you see in the Middle East today: Stone Age minds wielding Space Age technology and weaponry. The Amish have it right. They don't want science and science doesn't want them. Well, except for their furniture. It's fantastic.

If you agree with this man and what he represents, then I suggest you start reading. And by reading, I don't mean works of mythology, I mean work based on facts and evidence. Because you clearly misunderstand evolution as a whole. And frankly, if you're going to take your science from a book that was written about 1,900 years before the discovery of the Heliocentric universe, then that's just your own fault and there's nothing I can do to help you.

Congratulations, Mr. Muslim Cleric. You are exceptionally BAT-SHIT CRAZY!

This Just In!!!

This news just in out of Minnesota. A local resident by the name of Dan Angle has found this wonderful and awesome specimen: Atheist Toast. As you can see in the picture, the toast doesn't have a single design in it. In fact, there's nothing in the toast except toast.

The finder of this exquisite article is twenty-eight year-old Dan Angle of Linden Hills Minneapolis. A computer programmer by day and grocery bagger by night, Dan was shocked to find his breakfast come out in such a unique and bold design.

"I was just making a little breakfast in the morning, like I always do, and as the toast popped up from the toaster, this is what I found. I couldn't believe it at first, but as time went on, I realized that there was most certainly nothing in my toast. It was, as I put it, just toast and nothing else."


In a closeup photo of the toast, one can surely not make out any shading that resembles the Virgin Mary. There is no design resembling a man with a beard or even Elton John. It is truly just simply toast, and nothing more.

Dan declined to comment further, however, has apparently prepared a statement for a press conference that he has called for next Tuesday evening. But he has decided that he will place the toast in a sandwich bag where it will expire or thrive depending on fate. He will certainly not be selling this item on eBay, because of its cultural significance.

We'll have more on this story at eleven!

Crazy Breeds Crazy

In my life alone I’ve seen this in its more inconsequential form, all the way to its extremely dangerous form. Not that it’s ever inconsequential for a person to act in a seemingly crazy way over faith, but comparatively, there is a hierarchy.

Let’s go to the Mohave desert for our first trek into the minds of those who are willing to do anything to get closer to god. Once a week in the deserts of California and Nevada, many teams meet up on a weekly basis. Their overall objective is to get closer to god or closer to his saints as a group. Some groups feel that by snapping Polaroid photographs of the sun and looking for apparitions to appear in the photographs, they are somehow getting closer to their creator. Other groups wait for the Virgin Mary to appear before them as some have testified to have happened in the past.

What we really have here is a little thing known as group hysteria. A hallucination common to every person present within a group that is so strong it is believed to be real. Now as these people stand in the middle of the hot desert, probably malnourished, they all feel certain things and even occasionally see certain things that they relate to whatever god or saint in which they believe. This probably happens to people all the time in the confines of their own home, however, when you get a group of people together who all want to see something the energy from it tends to be more powerful. This bleeds over to everyone else in the group and leads to group hysteria.

Have you ever been alone in your home, and watched a scary movie in the dark? I bet you had a similar feeling if the movie actually creeped you out a little bit. A personal example: One of my many guilty pleasures is a radio broadcast known as Coast to Coast AM with George Nory. It can be a great show whenever the discussion doesn’t get anywhere past the political spectrum, but when he gets on to the more spiritual topics it’s a riot. Yet sometimes while listening in the dark hearing person after person giving these ghost stories that I feel they actually believe to have happened, I can get a little creeped out. It happens. I don’t even believe in ghosts or for that matter God, but it can even get me from time to time. I get a creepy feeling and look over my shoulder a little bit more. I like this feeling, being scared is a great way to remind you that you’re alive. But the difference between others who experience this and myself is that I know that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me and I also know that the creepy feeling I get is only a form of minor hallucination. It’s just chemicals in my brain reacting to what I’m hearing. Others, however, seem to think that getting this feeling must mean that there is actually a ghost peaking over their shoulder, or that there is something there. If this persists, it could truly turn into a very scary situation in which your brain goes into kind of a panic mode and you begin truly thinking there is something there.

If you believe strongly enough that something is there, then you will eventually see something. That’s the way the brain works. Perception, inside the brain, is often stronger than reality. This is because every thing that you see isn’t actually what is there. Sight is only your brains interpretation of what it is that your eyes are seeing. And truthfully, that can often be very deceptive. If your brain is tired for example, you may begin seeing little lights or fuzz in your peripheral. This happens because the brain is tired, not because there are actually little fuzzy lights flying around you. This is just hallucination and is exactly what people think is reality when they interpret little messages in their photographs of the sun in the middle of the desert. There’s really nothing there, but when you have one person thinking something is there and another who really wants to see something, person B is easily convinced. Then suddenly you have two people seeing the same thing and it’s even easier to convince the others in the group in a chain effect that will lead to group hysteria.

In the end, is it really all that healthy for your eyes to be taking pictures of the sun? Probably not, but people do it anyway because they think they’re going to see something. I bet if it weren’t for religion, people wouldn’t be doing this sort of insanity.

That was a very light example of the way that religion can cause people to behave erratically, but there are many more. Here are some now…

A man, who will remain unnamed as he is not a public figure and I’ve been sued enough, sat on death row for ten years for the crimes of matricide and patricide. This man was a Down Syndrome inflicted teenager who’s parents were cousins and grew up with his parents preaching the bible very heavily to him. This man killed his parents not because he was angry with them for inbreeding, but because the bible teaches that inbreeding is wrong. This is one of the few points where I’ll agree with the bible, but this poor kid interpreted the bible very literally, and just like many generations of people before him noticed that the bible condoned killing in the name of God.

His parents had sinned by inbreeding, therefore, in his mind deserved to die. He shot both of his parents in the head then called the police and confessed what he had done. The police picked him up and he was actually surprised when he was brought up on charges. Not surprised because of his condition, but surprised that a person could be legally charged for committing an act that the bible said was right. The sad part is that his down syndrome had nothing to do with this situation. Any child brought up in that sort of atmosphere could be just as susceptible. If you have both of your parents pounding this book into you so that you live by it, you will act accordingly to the book. And the cold truth is that the bible condones murder under certain circumstances.

He sat on death row for ten years trying to appeal and every time he was given a chance to speak at an appeal hearing, gave the same argument that he was acting in the name of God and, therefore, should be set free. He was executed in 1995. So not just one life wasted because of religion, but three lives suffering their end because of words in a book. A fictional book that has no more historical relevance than Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. A book that is no more factual than the movie Titanic. Yes the boat actually went down, but did any of that other stuff actually happen? No! Just because it’s almost historically correct doesn’t mean anything else in the book is real. But people think it is to a point where some will actually kill for it.

This is only one in hundreds of thousands of cases where people have harmed others because of the things written in the bible. If this can happen, then I would have to say that it’s not just an opinion that religion is dangerous, it’s a fact.
Is there a greater example of harm done to others in the name of faith than exorcism? Well, yes, but we’ll get to that in just a little bit here. Exorcisms take place when a priest or another religious official—usually catholic—believes whole heartedly that a human being has been possessed by some sort of magical demon or unholy dead person.

A larger group example would be cults, but the stranger ones seem to be the islander cults. I won’t go too far into detail about the John Frum Cult in Tanna, as my hedro-man-crush, Richard Dawkins, already beat me to it. However, it doesn’t make it any less absurd that these poor people gather annually on February 15, to welcome back their white messiah. Then every year the trek back into their huts, their faces washed with sadness and hands holding luggage, like the cranky old guy in the Twilight Zone Movie. It’s actually quite sad, but more than that, it’s irrational, mindless behavior based on faith.

People can argue until the inevitable effect of voice loss stets in, that Rhinoceros horn increases libido, or that fornicating under a full moon increases fertility, or that splashing magical water onto a child’s face will secure him with the fruits of eternal life, that shaking a maraca made from human skull and cougar sperm will somehow cure impotence, or that Alanis Morrisette has a keen grasp of the English language. Argue about these things as much as you wish, but you’re only wasting your breath. Fervently advocating myth will not cause it to miraculously become reality. You’re proving nothing with these irrational statements except for your own lunacy, delusions, and possibly, mental illness. Until society as a whole can accept this, we’re doomed to seek the veil of the Shaman.

People have a problem associating contemporary religions with primitive tribal beliefs, however, they are one in the same. Whether it’s an ancient culture believing the white man to be divine because supply crates come from the seas to maintain them, or if it’s Jesus doing magic tricks to convince people of his divinity, or if it’s the seas turning red and the sky turning dark under primitive people who thought it was god’s divine judgment; what’s happening is the same thing. The primitive mind was quite easy to trick as they had no legitimate science, therefore, if I lived in said world and saw an eclipse, I might rush into my home and prepare for God, Jesus, Allah, Elohim, Zeus, or Margaret Thatcher to rain down fire upon my head. However, we’re not in that world anymore. We’re beyond that stage of human evolution. Come on!!! We’ve mapped the Genome, cloned pigs, made glow in the dark puppies, birthed children from test tubes, and created satellites that rotate around the earth that are so powerful that we can watch the girls on nude the beaches of Spain from the comfort of our own in Lincoln, Nebraska via the internet. Don’t you think it just might be time for us to let go of these primitive and infantile beliefs and behaviors? Don’t you think we’re ready to move on? I’m just going to come out and say it: it’s just silly! You’re being silly, you silly person! I didn’t write this book with the intent of being demeaning or calling all religionists vacuous people, but the beliefs do that without any effort from me. After all, you must realize this. This kind of behavior makes the walks at the Ministry of Silly-Walks seem rather un-silly. But it only gets worse.

Sadly, we see the same types of beliefs coming from other sources, such as Mormonism. Racism seems to be frowned upon by the more liberal parts of the church now, but then again, so is polygamy. However, there are still fundamentalists who practice the original teachings of the church. These teachings make the claim that people of dark skin are lower than those of white skin, and are afflicted from God with their skin color because they took the side of the devil when he rose against the round table of Messiahs. Although, a dark skinned person can easily become white skinned, but only by becoming righteous in the eyes of God. This is a pretty serious claim, and one could imagine that it’s lead to much violence. Violence is seemingly the thread that connects all religions with one another. Of course, there are different severities, as it seems that the more primitive ones were far more peaceful than the ones we know now, but with its short history, I can’t help but be amazed at the great amounts of bloodshed committed by the Mormons. Some bloodshed over faith; some violence over race; some slaughter over paranoia. They argue that they are only so, because of their history of persecution. However, if you can find a religion that hasn’t faced ages of persecution, then I will admit fault and call myself a liar.

I guess the best way to describe just how crazy religion makes people act is the mere fact that people actually pay for astrological readings. However, there are much more extreme ways that people act outside of the box of pure individually irrational, self-inflicted idiocy. But I'll get to those another time. These are just some things that I had to get off my chest.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe and smile with me.

Your friend, The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way into hell.

Fun with Child-Actor Fundies!

I wish I could just assume that you all know why this is stupid and move on, but apparently that is not the case. This video is one of the most popular hits on Youtube.com right now, and I just don't know why.

But let me take a short look at what this douche is saying here. He stated clearly that we, as Americans, are being stripped of our civil liberties. Kirk is saying that children can no longer pray in public or learn religion freely. Well, as I'm sure you already know, this is a lie. There is a no law on any books stating that people can't pray in public. But even if there were, why would it matter? Why do you need to pray in public? What is stopping you from doing that in the privacy of your own home? But let's continue.

Kirk said that 61% of psychology and biology professors in the nation's top fifty schools are atheists. Okay, now I'm on board with Kirk on this one, but not for the same reason, I'm guessing. This does concern me greatly. What the hell is going on with the other 39%? Do you want your college professors believing in giant invisible single-fathers in the sky? Do you want collegiate level educators believing in dragons and seven headed lions? I certainly don't. Do you want the people responsible for your children using the their intelligence properly and efficiently to believe in talking snakes, sand-men, rib-women and magical gardens? Hell no! But as I'll repeat more than once here, I'm sure, if you want to learn about this kind of superstitious nonsense, then go to one of those cult-like Falwell colleges. Go to Pat Robertson's College of Proficiently and Unrelentingly Hating Things. Keep it the hell out of legitimate learning centers please.

Here's my favorite part: "They can no longer open a bible in school. The Ten Commandments are no longer allowed to be displayed in public places."

Well, no shit! Why would either of these things be okay? The core of his argument is that religion is not allowed in public schools. And why should it be? Public school is a place paid for by the tax payer, for children to learn facts not myths. Now, I can already here it coming, "But it is still the theory of evolution." For a more extensive explanation as to why that is stupid, visit my other blog, Unchecked and Unbalanced, where I have about a 30 page excerpt from my book of same name.

But indeed, it is the theory of evolution. But let's take a look at what a "theory" is.

a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world; an organized system of accepted knowledge that applies in a variety of circumstances to explain a specific set of phenomena; "theories can incorporate facts and laws and tested hypotheses"; "true in fact and theory"

Notice the term, "Well substantiated," in there. This is because a scientific theory needs to be substantiated. A theory is defined as a set of rules which uses past observations to predict future behavior. Any theory must meet 3 requirements: It must be repeatable, it must be independently verifiable, and it must be falsifiable. Creationism, in the guise of Intelligent Design, fails on all three, therefore, it isn't even a theory, and, therefore, should not be taught in public schools.

George Carlin summed up religion very well, "In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent and logical people in the twenty-first century." Einstein couldn't have put it better, even though he certainly did try. If you want your children to learn superstitious bullshit in school, then send them to a privately funded school where this type of nonsense is taught.

Now, what is intelligent design? Well, it is something that Kirk Cameron feels should be taught in school, even though it fails to meet even the guiding principles of a partially legitimate theory. But yet, he feels that there are two sides to this argument. But there are not. There is one side based on a mile-high stack of evidence to support it, and another side where the only evidence is a book that was written thousands of years ago, that we know has to be true because it says it is.

But maybe Kirk is right. Maybe all of the great works of science cannot even start to equal the wisdom of cattle-sacrificing primitives who thought that every animal in existence was in walking distance of a 2,000 year old drunk who put them all on a giant boat. Including dinosaurs, mind you. While we're at it, let's stop teaching the heliocentric Universe in school as well, and only teach the other side of the argument: The Geocentric Universe. Remember, The Heliocentric Universe Theory is, indeed, still a theory. So, according to Cameron's line of thinking, this means The Geocentric Universe assumption is just as legitimate. "Our children are being brainwashed into thinking that the Earth revolves around the sun!" You see, just replace one theory with another in Cameron's quotes and it sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? Well, it is truly the EXACT same thing. If it were up to him, he would replace scientific knowledge to accommodate the superstitious and incredibly stupid creation MYTHS of the Iron and Bronze ages. You know, the Hindus believe that the world is held up by an elephant who is standing on the back of a tortoise. Should we teach children that as well?

Or maybe the truth is more like this: Kirk Cameron and most other religionists are suffering from the largest mass affliction is narcissism ever known to man. After all, what narcissism is is the belief that you're always right, no matter what the facts are, and that your opinions are more viable than anyone else's, including those other opinions that are based on said facts. He feels that the "beliefs" of evolutionists are being taught in schools without the "other side" being represented. However, this is simply not true. There is no such thing as "belief" in evolution because facts do not require belief. Creationism requires belief because there is no evidence to support it. And if something requires belief or faith, it's probably not true, or else why would it require faith? Remember, the base word of belief is lie. And the base word of transcendental is transcend no matter how many biblical quotes you whip out to try to tell me that it's base word is dental. The point of that is that facts are facts and beliefs and opinions are nothing more than beliefs and opinions, and they don't change facts. They mean nothing and should not be taught in public schools.

What is even funnier about this is how we atheists are often accused of being self-centered egotists. Why is that? Did you just hear what this man said? Better yet, do you know what these people believe? The whole universe was made for you and everything in it was made just for you by a god who looks just like you. God is always watching you and knows everything about you. Oh, and he loves YOU. What, my friends, could be more egocentric than that? Certainly not the fact that everything came to be because of a random series of incidents.

In the end, Kirk feels as though science is just like religion. And he feels that way because he was brainwashed at an early age to only understand magic and fairy-tales. He doesn't understand that in the real world (the secular world), no matter how much we want something to be true, we unfortunately need to rely on that little thing called evidence. There is no difference between Kirk's conspiracy theory about science and all of the other twacked out, nut-jobby conspiracy notions out there. I don't call them conspiracy theories because they don't qualify as theories (see above).

And he compares Darwin to Hitler, but I gotta tell you, what just spewed out of Cameron's mouth was exactly the same as the evidence-free lies that spewed from Hitler's mouth in Nazi Germany. And Hitler created his own political religion to convince everyone of his lies and kill millions of people, using the same business model that the Catholic Church used to do the same some hundreds of years earlier.

But let's just concede. Let's remove all facts and legitimate theories from the public education system and only teach children what Kirk Cameron thinks is true. That's apparently what he wants, isn't it? What is it with child-stars anyway? They always turn out to be nut-jobs.

Congrats, Kirk. You sure are Bat-Shit Crazy!

The Side-Hug Hits the Streets!!!

Just in case you're a little behind on the latest street lingo and just in case you're finding yourself far behind on this years fads; let me present to you the newest and hippest fad of them all: The Christian Side Hug!

Okay, seriously, I'm assuming you watched the video up above, and I'm assuming you know why it's stupid. But let me take you a little deeper in depth with just why this is so stupid.

We all know that Christians and most religionists are afraid of their bodies, but this is going just a little beyond the norm. The Christian Side-Hug came about when a group of Christians were talking about how, in a normal hug, there is a chance for some small "clothed crotch graze," as The Huffington Post put it. To remedy this unintentional and inadvertent sin, the new side-hug presents a hip on hip touch only, allowing only your thighs to lustfully graze another person's.

To aid in this new fad's "sweeping of the nation," this group of roughians has taken the message to the streets and to the ghetto (where religion belongs if you ask me), to pass that "Christian Side-Hug" around. The Huffington post put it exactly like this:

Look out for the ominous sirens blasting on the track. Clearly, these are gangsters on the run from the law - probably from side-hugging up a storm! One emcee (wearing his bandanna 2pac-style no less) admits to taking part in the forbidden front-hug. But don't worry, God. He's married.

At the very end of the video, these hardcore gangsta rappers simulate the act of being killed. The first time I watched, I got excited, because I didn't know they were acting. But as it turned out, they were, and that turned my smile upside-down for a while.

But I just want to say a little something at the end here, as I really don't need to make fun of this much - it sort of does that all on its own. But why the hell are these people so afraid of their bodies? I really don't understand it. I know that they're taught to be that way, but I've always loved this quote that states, "If you live in a country that allows to freedom of religion and you still choose to follow a religion, you're an idiot."

Religion is a lot like political correctness in the way that in PC, the acceptable words and phrases of yesterday become the taboo words and phrases of tomorrow. Just look at how many different phrases in the last 60 years alone have been used to describe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And in a few years, that name won't be acceptable either. PC doesn't exist to appease people, it exists to inconvenience and annoy the rest of us, and possibly to trap us into using phrases that are no longer PC. Really, who the hell can keep up with it?

Well, religion is the same way. The things that are acceptable today, won't be tomorrow, as they'll come under attack from some radical religious fundie group out there. And now it's hugging that's under attack. What the fuck, people? This atheists is about to stop smiling again and it's because of you! What are we going to have in treatment centers now? Side-Hugs, not drugs? And what else is going to have to accommodate because of this? And what's next, handshakes? Because there's a chance if the shake is too long, it could be considered holding hands? Is the kiss on the cheek next? What about dry-fucking? Do you have a problem with that too? Jesus!

The point is this: the side hug will start is an inside fad, but don't be surprised if in four years, you're looked at by the fundies as an immortal sinner for hugging your friends in public. "That's far too much PDA in public, you sinner!" they'll say. Even though what they're really saying is, "I'm afraid of my body and you should be too, because I'm a repressed and violently judgmental person on the brink of lashing out!" Because at least that would be the truth.

So, to my many wonderful readers, yet peculiarly few followers, enjoy that "Christian Side Hug", because what's not to enjoy about a hip check? And remember, no matter how resentful these repressed and angry people are, never let them make you ashamed that you're free and not afraid of the body nature provided for you, no matter how you look or how you express it. And maybe some day, we can relocate all the fundies to the middle east where everyone already is the way they'd like all of us to be. But in retrospect, I think even the side-hug is a little too much for those people.

This is The Smiling Atheist - smilin' and profilin' right into hell, and you're coming with me. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for reading and have a smiley and God-Free day.

No Soul Soliciting!

Please, soul solicitors, when you see this sign, don't knock on the door. I used to have a No Soliciting sign on the outside of my apartment door, but wouldn't you know, as they're encouraged to do, the "soul" solicitors ignored it. By Soul Solicitors, I mainly mean Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. But there were plenty of other denominations too. But they would go ahead and knock anyway because they're not selling anything - they're "offering a free gift". Right? Right.

So, in time, I broke out the old Mac and adobe'd a No SOUL Soliciting sign, much like the one I just whipped up to headline this blog. Eventually, either a disgruntled neighbor took it down, or it was the landlord. I'm not sure whom, but I do know that I made another one.

Seriously, yeah, you know where I'm going with this, not even seven days from putting the new sign on the door that was left alone, outside my door stood two lanky, brainwashed kids in matching shirts, pants, pin-ties and bicycle helmets. Can I just add how damn stupid they look wearing all that crap. They don't look like my saviors, they look like salesmen. And truth be told, I'd rather have a salesman at my door. I'd rather watch a damn Kirby demonstration and get my floor covered in dirt pads (at least I get a clean floor out of that one), I'd rather watch how CUTCO Cutlery can cut through leather, because frankly, I've got some leather that could use cutting. Hell, I'd rather sit through a spiel about why I need eight plungers in my home, just before he tells me that if I buy a ninth, I'll get a tenth free. Hey, free stuff that's real, not free stuff that's not only phony, but purposefully coerced. They are, after all, just salesman trying to bring business to an already far too wealthy church with a lot of very stupid rules and values.

Case in point:

I can’t help but remember my ex-girlfriend’s sister and her family, who were members of the Mormon Church, which was a large reason the Mornies wouldn't leave me alone long enough to wipe myself. Of course, they only became members initially for the help that the church offered them. That's how they convert you. Some call it conversion through kindness, but I call it phony, extrinsic deeds meant to sucker more people into a very corrupt organization. But, like many, she eventually bought into the hype and became like Glen Beck.

I remember a conversation that we had once where we both laughed, almost to tears, about many of the different beliefs held around the world in strange cults. After rereading what I just wrote, I have to wonder how she could have found these beliefs so funny when she's Mormon.


You see, we were getting a kick out of The Raelians. They’re a somewhat recent movement. The cult leader, I mean founder, Rael, who claims to have been contacted by ET. That’s right, extraterrestrials contacted this man in the privacy of his own home in the seventies to let him know that they had created life on earth. Despite his awesome hair, I can’t think of any reason that this man was the person to be contacted about this. I would think that just coming to our world and saying, “Clatu Verata Niktu,” would have been a better way to let all of us know. However, Rael was their man of choice to carry this message to the world. Funny how these things always seem to happen in private, huh?

Rael is spreading the word that we must prepare ourselves for their second coming to take us back to their planet. Apparently, these creator beings, from whatever planet of origin, are very short in stature. Rael learned this when they appeared to him a second time to take him back to their home planet for coffee.

Looking at this, it actually falls in line with the Mormon beliefs. The “God” even has the same name in the Raelian faith. How then could a Mormon, who named her four kids after former U.S. presidents who are all quoted in being very against religion, laugh at the beliefs of the Raelians. Sure, I think it’s funny, but my beliefs aren't beliefs at all, my knowledge is based after study, science and fact. How could the woman in her magical underwear claim that she found the Raelian faith funny.

She, again, was a Mormon. Let's talk a little about what they believe in. These people don’t like me at all. This is because every time they come to my house, I let them in and actually try to talk to them about what it is that they believe in. I don’t even criticize them, really. I just try to have a conversation. They always end up getting angry and leaving. I don’t get it. Why, if they truly believe in this stuff whole heartily, are they so offended when I bring this stuff up? Maybe because, when it comes out of my mouth, instead of the mouth of a preacher, it sounds as ridiculous as it really is.


Mormons believe in the concept of celestial marriage. What this means is that if one lives a long and happy marriage, upon death, the spouses are given a planet of their own to rule. God can do this because he is the flesh and blood ruler of a planet not far from here in a nearby galaxy. Heaven is ruling a planet, and you actually must have a secret password to enter it. Maybe they print the password inside of their magical underwear. That’s right, the church markets a type of underwear, which looks like a comical pair of granny panties, which can protect a person from the following: fire, sin, Satan, bullets, and a whole lot of other unwanted particles.

Now, there is something that they believe that actually makes more sense than anything the other faiths believe. This is their belief that Jesus was conceived by actual physical sex with Mary, wife of Joseph of Aramethea. The issue with that is that Mary was a Hebrew. Therefore, she was probably a darker skinned lady. Yet, the Mormons believe that dark skin is a curse from God, and can only be changed by being righteous enough in God’s eyes. At that point, a person can indeed change color. Sound like anyone you might know?

Yet, wait, there’s more. In fact, Jesus wasn’t Hebrew, in fact, all of the biblical stories actually happened here. You see, Jesus spent most of his undocumented years partying with the Native Americans, as they are the lost tribe of Israel. What’s better than that, you ask? Mormons believe that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Having been to Kansas City myself, I’m doubting this greatly.

Mormons can even baptize people after they have been dead for a couple hundred years. Among the list of baptized people are names like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Please, Mormon folk, please don’t baptize me after I’m dead. I just want to go rule the planet Marthlak in peace, without any magical water in my beautiful hair, okay?

So, she's laughing about this guy who supposedly left the planet with aliens and started a religion, yet she thinks she's going to rule a planet after death with her husband, granted to her by the galactic lord Elohim. Strange right? But it's not all that common for those of one religion to laugh about the beliefs of others, while never once scrutinizing their own.

So, it's no secret why I get a little freaked when these people come to my home. They're f'n insane! They are (as if this were an addition of Fun with Fundies) bat-shit crazy. I won't even go into their history of race discrimination, their rules against beards in the church when ALL of their founders wore beards, and the fact that certain types of caffien weren't okay until they started investing in certain coffee and tea companies. Then, suddenly, they're just Grrrrrrrrreat!

So, please, little Mornies, when you see the sign that says, "No Soul Soliciting," yes, I do mean you. I mean everything that you want to do to, for, or say to me is not alright because I don't want you around me. You're nuts and everyone knows it but you.

Stay smiling and don't forget to smile with me and follow. Thanks for reading. I'm The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way to hell, apparently.

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies

Fun with Fundies is being kicked up a notch with yet another weekly series called Fun with Yesterday's Fundies. Now, I'm going to try not to go too far back into the past whenever possible, but with the last twenty years in this country and across the world, I don't exactly have to search all that hard for plot. So let's GET ON WITH IT!

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies was tailor made for this man. In fact, I could probably do an entire series with just his name alone. So, this weeks Fun with Yesterday's Fundies grand prize goes to...

Mr. George W. Bush for his 2003 dinner conference with then French President Jacques Chirac. It was reported earlier that Bush had brought up biblical prophecy at the dinner table that day, but I don't think any of us really knew just how terrifying the conversation was. Here's the story as it appeared in a French newspaper in September of 2007:

The story has now been confirmed by Chirac himself in a new book, published in France in March, by journalist Jean Claude Maurice. Chirac is said to have been stupefied and disturbed by Bush's invocation of Biblical prophesy to justify the war in Iraq and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs".

In the conversation, Bush brought up Christian biblical prophecy in the form of the biblical demons Gog and Magog, citing that they were afoot in the Middle East and The United States was on "charge from God" to stop them. Apparently God has given up charging 400 year old drunks to build giant yachts for dinosaurs, and then turned to the man who God's son, according to Bush, told him specifically to be president of the United States.

Obviously, this has much to do with France's opposition to the war. I truly don't think that the French are against removing terrifying dictators from rule, nor are they against exterminating radical and violent religious fundamentalism. However, Chirac was left with a choice to oppose radicalism, or align with a radical to oppose radicalism. Obviously, we know which side the coin landed on there.

So, congratulations, Mr. Bush. Not only has your irrational and idiotic thinking gotten us into the mess we're in today, but you actually pushed a country away that might have supported you. And as an honorable mention, I should note that the title change in DC from French Fries to Freedom Fries immediately after is an almost larger reason for Mr. Bush winning this week's Fun with Yesterday's Fundies award. And I'm leaving out his statement weeks later, claiming that "The French don't even have a word for entrepreneur."

God, Mr. Bush, you really were, and still are Bat-Shit Crazy!

Keep smiling everyone, because there are no biblical demons, there is no hell, and I'm on the fence with this one, but I think it's possible that there is no Middle East either. I kid, of course. Thanks for reading.