I'm taking a short break from my What-The-Fuckery Cup for just a day here to respond to something happening in United States right now. This past week's edition of South Park featured the Muslim prophet Muhammad in their show in an episode much like their previous Super Best Friends episode. Unlike the previous ones, Muhammad was in a bear suit because Comedy Central didn't have the balls to let them show Muhammad on television. This was the entire point of their two-part episode regarding Family Guy showing the prophet, in which the fact was expressed that the censoring of art, no matter how mundane, simply for fear of terrorism, is a victory for terrorist intimidation. And while I'm more of a Family Guy fan myself, I thought I would take an opportunity to stand up for my friends Matt and Trey at South Park and fire back at the website that is making death threats to them regarding the episode. So, here, you fucking fascist ass-clowns. I spent about an hour on this and it was an hour well spent. And hey, it's been a few months since my last death threat, so I've been bored.



There. Blakadaka derpaderka! Muhammad's a bondage obsessed drag queen with a penis too small to reach beyond his fat gut. That's for Theo Van Gogh, this is for everyone who died in the Denmark after the original comic showing Muhammad was released, it's for Salmon Rushdie, it's for Christopher Hitchens, it's for the millions of people who are living in the Middle East under your oppressive tyranny, and it's for all of America. Because we make fun of whatever we want here. Catholics, Jews, the elderly, Jesus, Moses and so on... They're all ripe for our parody and you're not above the same criticisms just because you're violent. The Evangelicals are violent, and I give them more shit than anyone. Really, all you're doing is making this worse on yourself, and trust me, this gets much worse, but it's your move, Dakadurpa Bat-Shit!

THE SMILING ATHEIST PRESENTS: BRACKET B OF THE WHAT-THE-FUCKERY CUP!

THE SMILING ATHEIST PRESENTS: BRACKET B OF THE WHAT-THE-FUCKERY CUP!


MATCH ONE: A SPECIAL BLUNT ON A TOWER OF BABEL MATCH!


ANYONE CELEBRATING 4:20? GLENN BECK IS!

Well, at least he sounds pretty high on today’s edition of the Glenn Beck show, wherein he claims that God has given him a plan. Beck said, “God is giving a plan, I think, to me to stand peacefully, quietly, with anger.” While I’m still trying to figure out just what Beck and his fellow Fux Noise cronies are angry about, I hope he takes this divine direction literally. Stand quietly, Glenn. Quietly!

How many times does Beck have to admit off camera that he can’t even believe half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth before other people start to catch on? Is $34 million per year really worth the uprising he’s causing? Is it worth being called a lunatic by fellow Fux Noise employees? I mean, if you’re being called a lunatic by the people at Fux Noise, that means you’re even crazier than the rest of them. And if you’re more bat-shit than Hannity, then you need to be hosting a show late at night talking about black helicopters and government conspiracies. You shouldn’t have a show in the daytime talking about…well, black helicopters and government conspiracies.


COME ON, BABY, DRIVE MY POPEMOBILE

The Vatican, in yet another desperate act to distract the mainstream public from the numerous charges of pedophilia as well as the current pope’s role in hiding child molesting priests, decided to finally forgive the Beetles for their message four decades ago, claiming they were bigger than Jesus. In the Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, an article appeared that was sanctioned by Pope Benedict XVI, in which the Beatles were heralded for their "beautiful" music and absolved for their rock star decadence and experiments with drugs.

However, one of the two last remaining Beetles is thus far unimpressed. Remembering that the Vatican had once accused them of delivering strange Satanic messages in their music, Ringo Starr responded, "Didn't the Vatican say we were Satanic or possibly Satanic? And they've still forgiven us?" He went on to mention the current pedophilia crisis in saying, "I think the Vatican - they've got more to talk about than the Beatles."

Should John Lennon still be alive today, I’m sure the man who once said, “Imagine there’s no country, it isn’t hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too,” would be far from impressed that the pope has either taken up a new appreciation for music, or taken up smoking pot, whichever. Whatever the case, just because the Nazi pope has finally discovered value in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, the Sgt. Pepper’s band could give a shit if he enjoyed the show.


MATCH TWO: A DUMBERER AND DUMBERERER MATCH!


PSEUDOSCIENCE STILL HAS THE WORD “SCIENCE” IN IT, RIGHT?

In the on-going quest to make concrete the irrational claim of the Church of Ladder Day Saints that states the Native Americans are descendants of the Israelites, Church scientists (an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard on) claimed this week that although "Israelite" DNA appears to be absent from Native Americans, this does not refute the authenticity of the Book of Mormon. In an article in the Mor(m)on™ Times, Michael J. Ash states, “DNA markers can and have disappeared.” Yes, of course they have. Michael goes on to say, “Most of the DNA studies done on Native Americans -- the root of Book of Mormon-DNA criticisms -- are based on mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA), which is inherited from the mother. MtDNA lineages are divided in branches (haplogroups) on a large tree called phylogeny, with a built-in "molecular clock" that measures mtDNA changes (mutations) over time. While science adapts and modifies according to newer discoveries, the current molecular clock tells us the ancestors of most modern Native Americans migrated to the Western Hemisphere about 15,000 to 17,000 years ago.”

So, wait, Dr. Magical Underwear, you’re telling me that DNA changes and mutates over time? I thought DNA could never change, as your church plainly puts it, as in their stance against not only human evolution from apes, but evolution and natural selection as a whole. If mitochondrial DNA can change or disappear over time, that would mean a species could adapt to new environments and change according to the needs of survival. And over enough time, would share almost nothing from its parent species. Again, I thought the church frowned upon this sort of thing. I mean, his claim that the mitochondrial DNA inherited from the mother could have completely disappeared, or at least has been diluted beyond recognition just over the course of the estimated 15,000 to 17,000 years, just imagine how DNA could adapt over, I don’t know, let’s just say, 4.7 billion years.

Aside from common sense, science can easily refute this claim that the native Americans were descendents of the Israelites in plenty of other ways, if needed, such as archaeological evidence. Archaeologically, we can clearly see and map the migration of the Native American people from Northern Asia, into Alaska and down into the Americas. What, Dr., were the Jews doing in Northern Asia? I come from a Jewish family. You can’t get a member of my family to go outside when it’s 40 degrees without a scarf, hat, mittens, sweater, over coat, under coat, another over coat, a ski mask, water boots and probably a snow suit over the top of all of that, not to mention a box of Benadryl. I hardly see the Jewish people migrating from the Middle East, into Asia (especially around this time period) and into the United States. It makes no sense at all. And your claims about the mitochondrial DNA are completely pseudo-scientific. No DNA completely vanishes over that short of a time, no matter how diluted it becomes. But I guess there’s a reason to focus only on mitochondrial DNA. But even mtDNA can take up to 200,000 years for ALL of the mitochondrial DNA to become extinct in any lineage, and that’s averaging a birth rate of 2-5 per woman, which each child having the same amount of offspring. If mankind still shares the majority of its DNA with higher apes, then I hardly see modern day Native Americans showing absolutely no trace of their ancestor dating back a mere 15,000 years. You are retarded, you’re not a scientist, you’re an idiot, let’s just move on.


GOOD NEWS ONLY LASTS UNTIL THE IDIOTS HEAR ABOUT IT!

As many have heard, U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb ruled the May 6th National Day of Prayer observance to be unconstitutional, citing the well-established wall of separation between church and state, as well as the first amendment law prohibiting a national establishment of religion. This ruling is the effect of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, a Wisconsin group dedicated to the wall of separation between church and state, filed lawsuits against both the Bush and Obama administrations from proclaiming Americans set aside a day of prayer.

While is this good news and a step in the right direction, the good news only lasts so long. As it turns out, in a flagrant act to try to become Jewish, the US Catholic League, the United Evangelicals as well as the Discovery Institute (which I thought was supposed to be separate from religion, HA HA) have all filed joint lawsuits against the FFRF as well as the state of Wisconsin, and all are petitioning the ACLU, claiming this act is discriminatory and infringes upon their freedom to pray as they wish.

Okay, you all know why this is stupid, my readers aren’t idiots, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your ability to pray is not being infringed by not having a national holiday for it any more than my ability to masturbate is being infringed because there isn’t a National Jack-Off Day. Well, while I think of it, there is, but it falls on second Monday in October. Either way, your rights aren’t being infringed with the absence of the national day of prayer, our rights were being infringed WITH the national day of prayer. May I site a great man named Thomas Jefferson, who along with James Madison erected the wall of separation, who said, “The greatest liberty to be celebrated within the freedom of religion, is the freedom from the tyranny of religious beliefs.” If you need to hear anymore about this subject, go back three blogs to a “letter to the editor” written by a crazy fundie regarding her beliefs on religion in America. And even if you don’t, go back anyway because it’s quite hilarious.

Don’t forget to vote for the winners of both matches so that they can go on to face next week’s competitors in Brackets C & D. Thanks for reading and smiling and profiling into hell with yours truly.

THE SMILING ATHEIST PRESENTS: THE WHAT-THE-FUCKERY CUP

THE SMILING ATHEIST PRESENTS:
THE WHAT-THE-FUCKERY CUP

MATCH ONE: A SPECIAL WHO-ELSE-CAN-WE-BLAME MATCH

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Well, apparently the Catholics already have. After centuries of blaming the Devil, the Jews, the Protestants, homosexuality et cetera… The Catholics have finally thought of blaming the children. That’s right, Bernando Álvarez, the bishop of Tenerife, is exceeding the claims of Bill Donahue, who has blamed Catholic child molestation on homosexuality, by passing the blame onto the children themselves. Álvarez claims, “There are 13 year old adolescents who are under age and who are perfectly in agreement with, and what’s more wanting it, and if you are careless they will even provoke you.”

These statements were made on Christmas Eve in an interview with La Opinión de Tenerife, a local newspaper in Tenerife, Spain.


BABY, YOU’RE A TEN ON THE RICHTER SCALE

At least, so says Muslim Cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, of Tehran, Iran. According to him, "Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.” The worst thing about this is that this view is shared by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, who is predicting an earthquake in the near future in Iran caused by the careless, anti-religious ways of the country. He recently said, “At least 5 million should leave Tehran so it is less crowded.”


MATCH TWO: A JEBUS-PATROL MATCH



COME ON!?! A JESUS TICKET? I WAS ONLY A HEATHEN FOR FIVE MINUTES!

The above note was left on the front window of Shannon Poston, a resident of Belmont, NC, outside of a Cracker Barrel this week. Apparently, the unnamed Jesus Meter Maid was offended by the Darwin Fish on the back of Shannon’s car, and so he/she felt he/she better leave a note to remind Mrs. Poston that Jesus loves here, not Darwin. I wonder what the train of thought was here. Considering only one of these people ever existed and both were dead for many, many years before Shannon’s birth, how could either love her.

This tends to the point about Christians. Have there ever been a species of people who feel a greater need to push their beliefs onto others while being irate about being allegedly repressed? Other than Muslims, of course. Christians claim that the beliefs of others are pushed onto them because they must now deal with billboards, books and bumper stickers. Well, here’s the deal, when atheists start knocking on your door while you’re trying to relax, start preaching on street corners, start protesting outside of churches and start leaving notes on peoples cars, then you can complain about being harassed or repressed. Because YOU do all of these things, not us. Perhaps we should start.


ONE MOR(M)ON™ DESERVES ANOTHER

An Oregon man, Alex Tucker, left his home on for work on just another Friday morning. As any Friday, he watched the clock and waited to get off to head to his cabin out in the woods in Northern Oregon. But this day wouldn’t turn out like that. Apparently Tucker forgot that having in A as a decal in his back window is not okay, even in a state as liberal and accepting as Oregon. What Tucker discovered when he came out to his car after a hard day as the office what black spray-paint all over his car, citing, “Atheist, terrorist scum,” and “Baby eating, Hitler loving piece of shit!” I forgot to mention that one tire had been slashed as well.

Obviously, this exclaims more than anything which side of the atheist VS theist debate is the “terrorist” side. Besides, who was the last atheist who flew a plane into a couple of sky scrapers? What is either more ironic or more tragic is that the A on the back of Tucker’s car didn’t actually stand for atheist. It was actually a parking permit for his apartment building, unfortunately for him, styled in a similar font to the atheist “A” symbol.

The group was later found red handed and were identified as three boys, ages 15-18, and members of the local Church of Ladder Day Saints. Wow! Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!

Well, pick the winners of both matches and they’ll move onto the next round to face next weeks tournament participants. As I’m sure, there are plenty of stories out there who would love to have a chance to win The Smiling Atheist’s What-The-Fuckery Cup Championship.

Interesting Questions and Statements in Emails from Readers of the Smiling Atheist.

“Why do you hate spirituality?”

I want to get one thing straight before I go any farther. My problem is not with moderates, spiritualists or theists. My issue is with organized religion. My issue is with a group of sheep who flock to the large building on a preordained day to hear the words of a man who claims to speak to an invisible father figure in the sky. People who prescribe literally to a doctrine of preordained morals and values that barely worked in the prehistoric time in which it was written, wherein the only encouragement to be a good person is the extrinsic fear of an invisible manager in the sky who watches your every move and will fire you if you do wrong. I know many spiritualists with whom I get along just fine. They’re just people who accept what science has discovered but just think there must be more to the world than what we know. They’re right to do that. After all, no matter how much we’ve discovered since science broke from the church, we don’t know a fraction of what we will know. And with that, it’s alright to think outside of the box. After all, let us remember that things like evolution, the big bang, gravity, the heliocentric universe and others, are all theories for a reason. They’re theories because while we know that they did happen or are happening, there is a lot that we don’t know about them. Thinking outside the box has allowed science to progress as much as it has in the last few hundred years. But while I think outside the box a little more scientifically than spiritualists, it doesn’t mean I should ridicule them for that.

“You called Ben Stein a moron in a previous blog. Do you really think Ben Stein is stupid?”

No, absolutely not. He’s a very smart man, in fact. However, what is stronger than intelligence is the overall fear of death and mortality felt by most humans. And that is what religion (other than a means of control) was intended to remedy. Ben Stein, and others, is just dealing with his fear of mortality in his own way. Unfortunately, Stein’s fear of death is lain out with the intent of impeding on the education of America’s youth and future of our country. So, do I think he’s stupid? Absolutely not. Do I think he’s lost his conscience and is attempting to sacrifice the well-being of others to pacify his fears? Yes, absolutely.

“You say this country was not founded by Christians. Are you telling me the pilgrims weren’t Christian? Christopher Columbus wasn’t Christian?”

Okay, you all already know why this is stupid, so I’m just going to move on. But for the record, would you please educate yourself before trying to debate with people?

“Nowhere in the New Testament does it say anything about stoning children or killing disobedient wives.”

You’re right, it doesn’t. That stuff is in the Old Testament, which is the same book that condemns homosexuality and the consummation of shell fish. But the fact of the matter is that the New Testament cannot stand alone, as the only reason Jesus’ coming means anything is because it was foretold in the Old Testament. Without the Old Testament, Jesus was just another guy making divine claims. So, you need to choose which one you’re going to follow, the Old and New Testaments or neither.

“You should burn in hell for calling my prophet a pedophile. You will burn in hell for this, I swear it, you will.”

Wow, yeah, you’re not violent at all. Very peaceful people, you are. Anyway, marrying a six-year-old girl makes you a pedophile. I swear it, it does. And riding a magical horse into the sun makes you either a fairytale or a character from My Little Pony who’s about to suffocate as she starts being cooked alive.

“I wonder what hell is like. Let me know when you get there.”

Oh, you. You’re ants at a picnic. Let me know what heaven is like so I can tell the rest of the heathens. Oh, wait, you’ll be worm food, so it’ll be a little hard to communicate. I guess you should haunt me then and tell me what it’s like. I’ll get myself an EVP or whatever those Ghost Hunter guys use to detect imaginary voices from basic household sounds, and then I’ll carry the message. I’ll be sure to wear the message on a sandwich sign on a street corner and scream it at people to be sure I’m taken completely seriously as well. Okay? Fucking bat-shits.

“Why do you Satanists push your beliefs on people”

Hmm. Okay, this is starting to sound like I’m making these up. Satan, my Christian friend, is a Christian concept. I’m not a Christian, I’m an atheist. And if you’ll notice, I’m not pushing anything on anyone. I put my views in a blog and in books where people have a choice as to whether or not they read them. I’m not standing outside of clinics holding signs with doctored pictures of dead babies on them. I don’t shoot people to attempt to prove my “beliefs.” I don’t knock on doors and attempt to convert people into my line of thinking. I don’t encourage legislation without any logical reasoning outside of fairytale books. I don’t attempt to impede on the education of children. I guess the better question is, “Why do you Satanists push your beliefs on people?”