Friday, November 27, 2009

The Side-Hug Hits the Streets!!!



Just in case you're a little behind on the latest street lingo and just in case you're finding yourself far behind on this years fads; let me present to you the newest and hippest fad of them all: The Christian Side Hug!

Okay, seriously, I'm assuming you watched the video up above, and I'm assuming you know why it's stupid. But let me take you a little deeper in depth with just why this is so stupid.

We all know that Christians and most religionists are afraid of their bodies, but this is going just a little beyond the norm. The Christian Side-Hug came about when a group of Christians were talking about how, in a normal hug, there is a chance for some small "clothed crotch graze," as The Huffington Post put it. To remedy this unintentional and inadvertent sin, the new side-hug presents a hip on hip touch only, allowing only your thighs to lustfully graze another person's.

To aid in this new fad's "sweeping of the nation," this group of roughians has taken the message to the streets and to the ghetto (where religion belongs if you ask me), to pass that "Christian Side-Hug" around. The Huffington post put it exactly like this:

Look out for the ominous sirens blasting on the track. Clearly, these are gangsters on the run from the law - probably from side-hugging up a storm! One emcee (wearing his bandanna 2pac-style no less) admits to taking part in the forbidden front-hug. But don't worry, God. He's married.

At the very end of the video, these hardcore gangsta rappers simulate the act of being killed. The first time I watched, I got excited, because I didn't know they were acting. But as it turned out, they were, and that turned my smile upside-down for a while.

But I just want to say a little something at the end here, as I really don't need to make fun of this much - it sort of does that all on its own. But why the hell are these people so afraid of their bodies? I really don't understand it. I know that they're taught to be that way, but I've always loved this quote that states, "If you live in a country that allows to freedom of religion and you still choose to follow a religion, you're an idiot."

Religion is a lot like political correctness in the way that in PC, the acceptable words and phrases of yesterday become the taboo words and phrases of tomorrow. Just look at how many different phrases in the last 60 years alone have been used to describe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And in a few years, that name won't be acceptable either. PC doesn't exist to appease people, it exists to inconvenience and annoy the rest of us, and possibly to trap us into using phrases that are no longer PC. Really, who the hell can keep up with it?

Well, religion is the same way. The things that are acceptable today, won't be tomorrow, as they'll come under attack from some radical religious fundie group out there. And now it's hugging that's under attack. What the fuck, people? This atheists is about to stop smiling again and it's because of you! What are we going to have in treatment centers now? Side-Hugs, not drugs? And what else is going to have to accommodate because of this? And what's next, handshakes? Because there's a chance if the shake is too long, it could be considered holding hands? Is the kiss on the cheek next? What about dry-fucking? Do you have a problem with that too? Jesus!

The point is this: the side hug will start is an inside fad, but don't be surprised if in four years, you're looked at by the fundies as an immortal sinner for hugging your friends in public. "That's far too much PDA in public, you sinner!" they'll say. Even though what they're really saying is, "I'm afraid of my body and you should be too, because I'm a repressed and violently judgmental person on the brink of lashing out!" Because at least that would be the truth.

So, to my many wonderful readers, yet peculiarly few followers, enjoy that "Christian Side Hug", because what's not to enjoy about a hip check? And remember, no matter how resentful these repressed and angry people are, never let them make you ashamed that you're free and not afraid of the body nature provided for you, no matter how you look or how you express it. And maybe some day, we can relocate all the fundies to the middle east where everyone already is the way they'd like all of us to be. But in retrospect, I think even the side-hug is a little too much for those people.

This is The Smiling Atheist - smilin' and profilin' right into hell, and you're coming with me. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for reading and have a smiley and God-Free day.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

No Soul Soliciting!



Please, soul solicitors, when you see this sign, don't knock on the door. I used to have a No Soliciting sign on the outside of my apartment door, but wouldn't you know, as they're encouraged to do, the "soul" solicitors ignored it. By Soul Solicitors, I mainly mean Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. But there were plenty of other denominations too. But they would go ahead and knock anyway because they're not selling anything - they're "offering a free gift". Right? Right.

So, in time, I broke out the old Mac and adobe'd a No SOUL Soliciting sign, much like the one I just whipped up to headline this blog. Eventually, either a disgruntled neighbor took it down, or it was the landlord. I'm not sure whom, but I do know that I made another one.

Seriously, yeah, you know where I'm going with this, not even seven days from putting the new sign on the door that was left alone, outside my door stood two lanky, brainwashed kids in matching shirts, pants, pin-ties and bicycle helmets. Can I just add how damn stupid they look wearing all that crap. They don't look like my saviors, they look like salesmen. And truth be told, I'd rather have a salesman at my door. I'd rather watch a damn Kirby demonstration and get my floor covered in dirt pads (at least I get a clean floor out of that one), I'd rather watch how CUTCO Cutlery can cut through leather, because frankly, I've got some leather that could use cutting. Hell, I'd rather sit through a spiel about why I need eight plungers in my home, just before he tells me that if I buy a ninth, I'll get a tenth free. Hey, free stuff that's real, not free stuff that's not only phony, but purposefully coerced. They are, after all, just salesman trying to bring business to an already far too wealthy church with a lot of very stupid rules and values.

Case in point:

I can’t help but remember my ex-girlfriend’s sister and her family, who were members of the Mormon Church, which was a large reason the Mornies wouldn't leave me alone long enough to wipe myself. Of course, they only became members initially for the help that the church offered them. That's how they convert you. Some call it conversion through kindness, but I call it phony, extrinsic deeds meant to sucker more people into a very corrupt organization. But, like many, she eventually bought into the hype and became like Glen Beck.

I remember a conversation that we had once where we both laughed, almost to tears, about many of the different beliefs held around the world in strange cults. After rereading what I just wrote, I have to wonder how she could have found these beliefs so funny when she's Mormon.


You see, we were getting a kick out of The Raelians. They’re a somewhat recent movement. The cult leader, I mean founder, Rael, who claims to have been contacted by ET. That’s right, extraterrestrials contacted this man in the privacy of his own home in the seventies to let him know that they had created life on earth. Despite his awesome hair, I can’t think of any reason that this man was the person to be contacted about this. I would think that just coming to our world and saying, “Clatu Verata Niktu,” would have been a better way to let all of us know. However, Rael was their man of choice to carry this message to the world. Funny how these things always seem to happen in private, huh?

Rael is spreading the word that we must prepare ourselves for their second coming to take us back to their planet. Apparently, these creator beings, from whatever planet of origin, are very short in stature. Rael learned this when they appeared to him a second time to take him back to their home planet for coffee.

Looking at this, it actually falls in line with the Mormon beliefs. The “God” even has the same name in the Raelian faith. How then could a Mormon, who named her four kids after former U.S. presidents who are all quoted in being very against religion, laugh at the beliefs of the Raelians. Sure, I think it’s funny, but my beliefs aren't beliefs at all, my knowledge is based after study, science and fact. How could the woman in her magical underwear claim that she found the Raelian faith funny.

She, again, was a Mormon. Let's talk a little about what they believe in. These people don’t like me at all. This is because every time they come to my house, I let them in and actually try to talk to them about what it is that they believe in. I don’t even criticize them, really. I just try to have a conversation. They always end up getting angry and leaving. I don’t get it. Why, if they truly believe in this stuff whole heartily, are they so offended when I bring this stuff up? Maybe because, when it comes out of my mouth, instead of the mouth of a preacher, it sounds as ridiculous as it really is.


Mormons believe in the concept of celestial marriage. What this means is that if one lives a long and happy marriage, upon death, the spouses are given a planet of their own to rule. God can do this because he is the flesh and blood ruler of a planet not far from here in a nearby galaxy. Heaven is ruling a planet, and you actually must have a secret password to enter it. Maybe they print the password inside of their magical underwear. That’s right, the church markets a type of underwear, which looks like a comical pair of granny panties, which can protect a person from the following: fire, sin, Satan, bullets, and a whole lot of other unwanted particles.

Now, there is something that they believe that actually makes more sense than anything the other faiths believe. This is their belief that Jesus was conceived by actual physical sex with Mary, wife of Joseph of Aramethea. The issue with that is that Mary was a Hebrew. Therefore, she was probably a darker skinned lady. Yet, the Mormons believe that dark skin is a curse from God, and can only be changed by being righteous enough in God’s eyes. At that point, a person can indeed change color. Sound like anyone you might know?

Yet, wait, there’s more. In fact, Jesus wasn’t Hebrew, in fact, all of the biblical stories actually happened here. You see, Jesus spent most of his undocumented years partying with the Native Americans, as they are the lost tribe of Israel. What’s better than that, you ask? Mormons believe that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Having been to Kansas City myself, I’m doubting this greatly.

Mormons can even baptize people after they have been dead for a couple hundred years. Among the list of baptized people are names like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Please, Mormon folk, please don’t baptize me after I’m dead. I just want to go rule the planet Marthlak in peace, without any magical water in my beautiful hair, okay?

So, she's laughing about this guy who supposedly left the planet with aliens and started a religion, yet she thinks she's going to rule a planet after death with her husband, granted to her by the galactic lord Elohim. Strange right? But it's not all that common for those of one religion to laugh about the beliefs of others, while never once scrutinizing their own.

So, it's no secret why I get a little freaked when these people come to my home. They're f'n insane! They are (as if this were an addition of Fun with Fundies) bat-shit crazy. I won't even go into their history of race discrimination, their rules against beards in the church when ALL of their founders wore beards, and the fact that certain types of caffien weren't okay until they started investing in certain coffee and tea companies. Then, suddenly, they're just Grrrrrrrrreat!

So, please, little Mornies, when you see the sign that says, "No Soul Soliciting," yes, I do mean you. I mean everything that you want to do to, for, or say to me is not alright because I don't want you around me. You're nuts and everyone knows it but you.

Stay smiling and don't forget to smile with me and follow. Thanks for reading. I'm The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way to hell, apparently.

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies


Fun with Fundies is being kicked up a notch with yet another weekly series called Fun with Yesterday's Fundies. Now, I'm going to try not to go too far back into the past whenever possible, but with the last twenty years in this country and across the world, I don't exactly have to search all that hard for plot. So let's GET ON WITH IT!

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies was tailor made for this man. In fact, I could probably do an entire series with just his name alone. So, this weeks Fun with Yesterday's Fundies grand prize goes to...

Mr. George W. Bush for his 2003 dinner conference with then French President Jacques Chirac. It was reported earlier that Bush had brought up biblical prophecy at the dinner table that day, but I don't think any of us really knew just how terrifying the conversation was. Here's the story as it appeared in a French newspaper in September of 2007:

The story has now been confirmed by Chirac himself in a new book, published in France in March, by journalist Jean Claude Maurice. Chirac is said to have been stupefied and disturbed by Bush's invocation of Biblical prophesy to justify the war in Iraq and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs".

In the conversation, Bush brought up Christian biblical prophecy in the form of the biblical demons Gog and Magog, citing that they were afoot in the Middle East and The United States was on "charge from God" to stop them. Apparently God has given up charging 400 year old drunks to build giant yachts for dinosaurs, and then turned to the man who God's son, according to Bush, told him specifically to be president of the United States.

Obviously, this has much to do with France's opposition to the war. I truly don't think that the French are against removing terrifying dictators from rule, nor are they against exterminating radical and violent religious fundamentalism. However, Chirac was left with a choice to oppose radicalism, or align with a radical to oppose radicalism. Obviously, we know which side the coin landed on there.

So, congratulations, Mr. Bush. Not only has your irrational and idiotic thinking gotten us into the mess we're in today, but you actually pushed a country away that might have supported you. And as an honorable mention, I should note that the title change in DC from French Fries to Freedom Fries immediately after is an almost larger reason for Mr. Bush winning this week's Fun with Yesterday's Fundies award. And I'm leaving out his statement weeks later, claiming that "The French don't even have a word for entrepreneur."

God, Mr. Bush, you really were, and still are Bat-Shit Crazy!

Keep smiling everyone, because there are no biblical demons, there is no hell, and I'm on the fence with this one, but I think it's possible that there is no Middle East either. I kid, of course. Thanks for reading.

Fun with Fundies II


The thing is that I couldn't just pick one quote for the initial and inaugeral Fun with Fundies, so here's is the number two pick for this week. This comes from a conversation that I had with a woman on Myspace, (to whom I still speak mind you) who seemed very intelligent scientifically. I met her on Sam Harris' page, responding to a blog of his in protest, to which I came to Sam's rescue. I'm sure the whole thing fell under his radar, but who cares? This is a combination of two messages I recieved from her in the middle of this incredible, intelligent conversation, where I realized that I was actually talking to someone who was, indeed, Bat-Shit Crazy!

This week's winner is...

Honey Sweets from www.myspace.com, who said the following:



"well then all this is just doing research and a refining of issues and concepts.

'Many people of more theistic nature tend to take evolution..' well... to be blunt, many people don't know how to read either. and i have my own issues with the whole of creation..

first of all for the most part everything ive heard points to any and all of the "gods" as being extraterrestrials. and no i am not referring the nazi's which fled to the south pole who have been reported to have pretended to be extraterrestrials.

the mere fact that the torah clearly states that 'God' is the God of the 'gods', is rather disconcerting. that however does not mean that when compared to me that He would not certainly be worthy of the title.

there a lot going on around here.. science can't explain it all because its repressed for one thing and its at least 500000 years behind the science of the 'gods'.

Christ apparently could rearrange matter. now if you want to hear of the real mysteries consider for a moment that Christ's blood line was pure as it seems to be... a direct descendant of Adam. Adam who was not a hybrid mutation human but a specifically genetically engineered human with uncommon genetic traits and no genetic errors.

the reasoning would have to be that genetic code was NECESSARY to produce a Christ. without it there would not be one. the simplest reason for the necessity is that Christ body would have physical (cellular) properties that normal humans would not. The clearly dormant genes could be activated by specific and induced conditions and would result in a inhuman life form that had almost nothing in common with "humans". as in being born as a immortal first and foremost. Christ did not die on the cross for he could not die, the biological functions may have ceased to the casual observer but at the cellular level he was still alive or in the alternative merely inactive. His life appeared to have ceased because his consciousness was temporarily elsewhere. he commanded it to leave his 'flesh'.

like some immortals of fantasy.. nothing less than instantaneous and complete cellular destruction could stop His human form.

what kind of questions does that raise???? and yes asking those kinds of questions does make me a heretic.

if we were talking about botany id be much more receptive to that sort of proposition but we are not.

plants may cross pollinate and be exposed to various conditions which less successful variants might phase out, dormant genetic traits my be more predisposed in certain conditions.

the part you seem to be missing is that adaptation is more like recombination than progression, evolution.

modern humans are a clear progression... the single instance of it. thats mathematically impossible. evolution nor mutation explains racial groups. genetic engineering and real world testing does.

any defense to that point is merely a red herring argument at best.

pantheism... currently it seems as if almost true. But i would never be able to discern the whole truth in this body.. which is why i loathe it.


There are actually two wars fought between Satan and God. The first war in heaven resulted in Satan losing his residence in heaven but he still had visitation rights. He then abused those in order to gear up for another war.

The first war probably occurred between Gen 1:1 and Gen 1:2 The Hebew word for was- hayah (haw-yaw) was not intended as a copula or mere connector between earth and void but literally meant that the earth became void. While it beyond the scope of this article to discuss in detail the gap between Gen 1:1 and Gen 1:2 the text indicates here that the heavens and the earth were created and then subjected to catastrophic situation and then the recreation began in Gen 1:2. This situation was caused by the first war between Satan and God holy angels

Gen 1:1-2 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. (2) And the earth wasH1961 without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

H1961
haw-yaw'
A primitive root (compare H1933); to exist, that is, be or become, come to pass (always emphatic, and not a mere copula or auxiliary): - beacon, X altogether, be (-come, accomplished, committed, like), break, cause, come (to pass), continue, do, faint, fall, + follow, happen, X have, last, pertain, quit (one-) self, require, X use.

Strong's Hebrew and Greek Dictionaries

This first war in heaven ended quite early with Satan getting thrown down to the earth. It was this event that the Lord Jesus was referring to when he said He saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven

Luk 10:17-19 And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name. (18) And he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. (19) Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

Congrats, Honey Sweets, you are surely Bat-Shit Crazy! Keep smiling everyone, because there is no hell.

Fun with Fundies!!!


The weekly quote from the internet from our favorite people: FUNDIES. Extreme religious fundamentalists say some pretty radical things online, where they think nobody can fact-check them. Well, each week we choose a new quote from a new Fundie here on The Smiling Atheist. And this weeks winner is...

Jackie L., who after a heated discussion on the meaning of Christmas which turned into a discussion about religion, Jackie L. had this to say to the logical people on the other side of the argument.

"Oh, man, Mitch...I know more about dinosaurs than probably anyone you know! Here's the VERY short version since this thread is becoming humongo, but if you want more details I can definitely oblige:

Before the worldwide flood, which cultures all over the world still tell of through oral legend, there was a layer of water above the atmosphere. The Bible says this too: "So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water ABOVE it. And it was so. God called the expanse 'sky'." (Gen 1:7-8a). This layer of water would have protected the earth from ultraviolet rays and would have kept large amounts of oxygen in the atmosphere. Under those conditions, plants, people, and animals can live longer and grow much bigger! There have been HUGE versions of everyday animals that have been found in fossils all around the world. For example, ever seen a 9-foot-long millipede? Me neither, but there's fossils to prove they existed: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/04/070424-forest-fossils.html

This is the same with dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are basically huge, pre-flood lizards. Once the flood came, the water above the sky collapsed down to earth and the "fountains of the deep" (Gen 8:2) burst forth from the earth's crust (creating what we think of as "fault lines"). The earth was instantaneously drenched in water, creating a huge bath of mud that rapidly created pretty much all the fossils in the world today. Do you know that many fossilized animals are found with food in their stomachs that did not decompose? That's because the animals were instantaneously fossilized! There's even record of a mammoth found standing up, frozen solid in ice! Last I checked, animals don't die standing up without falling over. There's also fossils found on the tops of mountains, etc.... See More

After the flood, the protective barrier above the atmosphere limited the lifespan of all biological life. The lack of oxygen also limited their growth. There are many theories on why the dinosaurs did not survive to modern times. The best theory I've heard is that dinosaurs have very small lungs, which may have made it impossible to get the oxygen needed to survive after the flood. Some may have been hunted to extinction. There is plenty of evidence... I could go on and on."

I'll tell you, I have got to give it to Jackie L. this week, as she is certainly Bat-Shit Crazy.

Thanks for reading and keep smiling, as I will, even though there are so many people out there who actually think like this.

Sweatin' to TBN


Let’s flip on through the channels. Channel surfing is a favorite pastime of mine, but lately it’s become a little dreary. But since I’ve occupied my morning by fixing my coffee maker, I’ll go ahead and get started. Although, television is getting boring. I think I’ll flip over to Youtube.com and see what’s on there. I’ll run a search on the first thing that comes to mind. Ooh, I know, what about “conversion”! Oh, look at that, the TBN YouTube channel is the first thing to come up. I’ll flip through and see what we have here.

Okay, snake handling, miracle baths, and an interview. I’ll check out the interview. Oh, it appears that Steve Borden is interviewing Vince Russo on TBN about his recent conversion to Christianity. If you don’t know, both of these guys were involved in professional wrestling in the late 90s, which was its biggest period for adult marketing. I’m talking an old lady giving birth to her much younger, blacker and bigger boyfriend’s young baby hand. I’m talking Viagra on a pole matches. Vince Russo wrote all of this edgy material and now suddenly he’s a Christian. Russo, a former pro-wrestling/porn writer turned Christian, turned pro-wrestling/porn writer. Steve Borden, known as Sting, obtained commercial success by ripping off the Crow and feeding from the success of a movie which was successful because of its star’s tragic death during its filming. Okay, I’m bored with this. He’s plugging a book. That’s why he converted. NEXT!


Oh, there’s Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman going on in front of a horde of eager Christian spectators about how the war in Iraq was commanded by God. NEXT!

Oh, there’s Sarah Palin doing the same thing. Except she’s also talking about how man walked with dinosaurs. I thought she didn’t believe in the factual existence of dinosaurs. At least that’s what she said on television shortly after this, during the presidential primaries. Geez, and to think she’s plugging a book now too. NEXT!


As a side note, I’d like to point out how incredible the hair is on everyone at this station. I’d hoped the irony in the statement would be found even without punctuation.


Okay, now Kelly Copeland is telling women to do laundry in the name of God. Okay, now this is not only stupid but sexist too, if you ask me. But she really just asked, “Okay, ladies, if you’re doing laundry, if you’re grouchy about it, are you doing laundry in the love of God? Because when you do laundry in the love of God, you can get a harvest.” I don’t even know what that means in the first place. Harvest? Harvest of what? But how does, exactly, one do laundry in the name of God? Do you only wash your clothes on Sunday? Do you make sure to keep the clothing made by Jews, Hindus and Muslims out of the initial load, and just wash the “Christian” clothing? I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just naïve here, but I just don’t even get what’s going on anymore. NEXT!

I have no idea who this delightful man is, but let me quote what he just said, because my head is still spinning. And I’m sorry if this is poorly punctuated, because I only know how to punctuate English! “Words are things, or they’re word things, so when I say the words I just released a thing, but you don’t see the thing when I say it, you heard the thing before you saw it… because it’s heard before it’s said.” Wow, I’m sorry but I had to leave something out in the middle there, because I couldn’t hear it due to something crazy in my ear.


Mike Murdoch is now on talking about a woman who he met who was obviously just a desperate woman in need of help. What does the grand church of TBN do? Let me quote right from the man’s mouth, “A woman told me that her ex-husband has not paid child support in 15 years. I said, ‘Sow a seed for $58 just as a covenant between you and God. I’m not trying to buy a miracle – that’s absurd. Give God a seed of your faith - $58.’” Wow, so that’s what the church is all about, huh? A woman comes to you in desperation begging for some help because her ex-husband is a dead beat, and you hit her up for money? Yeah, because that’s Christ-like! I just hope her child’s school lunch money was well spent on a nice portion of that huge crystal palace at TBN. Oh, but it’s not done. In this same program he’s quoted in saying, “God talked to me and told me to tell them about the miracle of the $1,000 seed.” You know, for such an all knowing, all seeing and all powerful guy, God sure is pretty shitty when it comes to finances. Geez, the guy’s always broke. NEXT!

Okay, now Benny Hinn is talking to a “fella” who claims to have visited Heaven seven times. That’s pretty astonishing, I certainly must say! Being a person who’s only left this planet twice in my lifetime, I must say that seven visits to another invisible dimension is awfully incredible. Oh, you might be wondering what I’m talking about. In my younger years, I was taken up into a spaceship where I was taught by Martian tribal elders how to forge the Guardian Sword. Then, the second time was less pleasant, as I was, let’s just say, “experimented on”. But before I mention anymore about this, I should let you all know that what I’m talking about are the same exact experiences this man has probably had, should he not be lying. Those experiences are called, in the secular world, DREAMS!!! That’s right, it’s the same brain function that happens during a near death experience, and it happens every night. Your brain is programmed to hallucinate whenever things happen to it – things as normal as shutting down to go to sleep. These hallucinations cause people to see, hear and sometimes even feel things that aren’t really there - things that are just in their head. I talked to Vincent LaGuardia one night for what seemed like three hours, and all he was rambling on about was how the bread in hell was so dry and flakey. But it turned out that this whole experience only lasted about a minute and was part of the Rapid Eye Movement stage of sleeping. It’s the exact same thing and it’s nothing more than hallucinations. But Benny Hinn seems to have triggered some talking points, so I’ll stay with him for a while, okay? NEXT!

Okay, now it’s Benny Hill…I mean, Hinn, refusing to allow doctors into his ministry to inspect people after they’ve been “healed” by his “miracles”. There’s a shocker. NEXT!


Now Benny Hinn is walking around his enormous church shoving people. Oh wait, he’s healing them – my bad. He’s walking up and down the isle ways at the TBN mega-church and pushing over his audience members, calling it faith healing. Geez, talk about a bunch of pushovers. I apologize for that joke, but damn it, I’m leaving it in. NEXT!

Now he’s got a woman up on stage who claims to have been in a wheelchair when arriving at the program that night, from her crippling arthritis she’d had since 1966. He tells her to walk around on stage, lifting her legs high in the air, which to me looks a little bit like the old Nazi march. Then after she comes back around to him, he pushes her over. Her husband, only seconds later, joins Benny onstage to inform him that he watches his “program” every day. The wife shortly joins again, before Benny pushes both of them over by palming their faces. She gets back up and he pushes her over again. Seriously, what the hell is this guy’s problem. I knew a kid in second grade named Cody who used to push people all the time. I ran into him in my teens and kicked his ass. I think someone ought to do that to old Benny, here. But wait, I’m the Smiling Atheist – I can’t say things like that, now can I? But seriously, this guy is the Snake Oil Salesman from Hell.


But we’re talking about a guy who’s been brought up on more charges than that criminal Kent Hovind, or the self-hating homosexual to the left of this paragraph. But that brings up a point: why is it that all of these televangelists are brought up on so many charges? Oh, it’s because they’re frauds. And I don’t know who’s worse. I don’t know if it’s the greedy morons up on the stage, or if it’s their Christian protesters who call them frauds, and then proceed to call them the Anti-Christs spoken about in scripture. Do you not see what is bass-ackward about that? You’re both one in the same. You’re capitalizing on the fear of others to make your own gain.

I just want to put another side note in here that this is the reason that I compare the church with Big Tobacco. Seriously, if you don’t hook them young, you won’t hook them at all. If you tell a child something, he’ll believe it, because that’s what children are conditioned to do. But if you try telling those same stories to a 15 year old, he’ll look at you like you’re crazy. You see, every child is born an atheist, meaning that no child is born with knowledge of religion, therefore, no child believes in God. This is something that is taught to them, and it must be done at an early age. Apparently, the age of seven was too late for me, because that’s when my grandfather started telling biblical stories. And to me, it just sounded like the ramblings of an old man.

You see, I didn’t choose to be an atheist – it came as naturally as my desire to eat. Someone tells me that there’s something there that I can’t see, feel, smell, taste or hear, my response will be, “Okay, do you have any proof of that?” And quite frankly, that should come naturally to everyone, as every child should be taught to question authority. When you’re not taught to question authority and to believe whatever you’re told, things that all Abrahamic religions are adamant about, bad things happen. Do you know that there was a lobby group in Germany in the 30s called Jews for Hitler? There was, and that was a group of people believing what they were told instead of getting the facts themselves and formulating their own opinions. But that’s just something that revolves around good parenting, and good parenting, my diverse, reading friends, is something that’s almost as extinct as the dinosaurs. Just remember, you can’t spell believe without the word LIE. If you have to believe in something, then that something probably isn’t true.

I apologize for this rather somber version of The Smiling Atheist. I hope some of it was funny, but even a smiling atheist can get a little fed up watching stuff like this for an hour straight. And there were so many things that I purposely left out just because I couldn’t find anything funny about them – they were far too absurd, ridiculous, sad and demeaning to the intelligence of everyone watching them.

But since this was a somber blog most of the time, I'm going to end on a high note. I found this comic on a site called www.turnbacktogod.com,and I don't know if they completely missed the point of it, but I don't think it's really to the point of "turning back to God". In fact, I love it.


But anyway, this is The Smiling Atheist signing off, and I hope you smile a lot for me today, because I won’t be doing much of it now. Thanks for reading.

Ah, the Blunders of History!

I thought I would take some time to run down some of history’s greatest blunders and “black cloud” moments. We do have a long and rich history and I think although recently we’ve seen some very embarrassing moments that will roll into the next generation through history texts. However, what about the past? People truly think that events of recent history have been embarrassing, but what about those days of yesteryear and before. As a bit of a history buff, I’ve had a long time to think about this, so I hope you enjoy it.

1361 BC
In this year, Tutankhamen took over as king of Egypt after his father Akhenaton’s successor’s short reign. After moving the capitol back to Thebes, he banned the worship of the sun god back to Amon which nearly caused a civil war in Egypt and probably eventually led to his death. Goes to show us that if all else fails in our system of democracy, we can go back to a system where it’s possible to have an 11 year old running our country.

1200 BC
A war lasting ten years waged by Greece against Troy after the alleged abduction of Helen of Sparta. In the end, Troy was captured by the Spartan warriors led by Agamemnon and Achilles. The fact that King Menelaus actually convinced the people of Greece that this war was actually over Helen of Troy goes to show just how stupid primitive people were. There’s no way that the people of today would buy a lie based on an action taken by a foreign land to excuse the brutal invasion and reprehensible domination of another foreign land merely for their kingdom and resources!

230 BC
A year that made its mark as the toe rag in history’s dresser. Greek Mathematician and inventor Archimedes discovered what would later be called Archimedes’ Principle. This was the discovery that when a body is either partially or wholly immersed in liquids, the weight lost by the body is equal to that of the water displaced. After discovering this, he ran naked through the streets of Syracuse Sicily yelling, “Eureka!!!” over and over again. And although it wasn’t born for another couple hundred years, the catholic church is already considering burning him as a heretic.

0
A year that has made its mark as the gooey white stuff that flows from the sides of history’s mouth when it’s really thirsty. Ah, what a year. Not just the year when a woman claimed to have been virginally impregnated by an invisible man to give birth to a holy and all knowing cosmic Jewish son who would eventually die to redeem the sins of all mankind; but the year when about half of the population actually fucking believed her!


313
The year that really established itself as the catapult that flung the pie in the face of history. Roman emperor Constantine, after having a vision at war where he saw the clouds in the sky make the shape of Christ, enacted the Edict of Milan which forced the people of Rome to tolerate Christianity. Within only a few years it was the dominant religion in Rome which led to the persecution of people who retained the former religion of Rome. The Edict of Milan is also known as the Fucked Up Blatant Irony act of 313. You notice there wasn’t any bill later passed to force the toleration of Roman beliefs. Fuck you, Constantine!

1204
This was certainly a great year for leaving a bad taste in the mouth of history. Aside from thousands of murders committed by crusades and inquisitions from France to Spain, there was another blunder of history. The pope of the time decided to excommunicate members of the fourth crusade for allegedly becoming mercenaries for hire. The only thing I can think of is how unfortunate it is when people set out to do something as good as slaughtering hundreds of thousands of people for having different religious beliefs, only to end up becoming murderers for hire for sick sons of bitches who want to slaughter hundreds of thousands of people for reasons other than religion.

1431
A year in history that has marked itself as the itchy part just above the giant swollen hemorrhoid on the bulging ass of history. Ah, the year when Joan of Arc was burned for being a heretic. That’s right, the same people who believe that God has spoken to hundreds of people and told them to do many different things from starting wars to killing their brothers; burned a woman who believed that God had spoken to her and told her to assemble an army against the British invaders of France. The lesson of all of this is just be sure that when God talks to you, he tells you to do something that the church of the strongest monarchy wouldn’t disagree with.

1492
A year that will forever leave a mushroom tattoo on the forehead of history’s bukake party. Christopher Columbus launched an expedition to find another trade route to India and ended up accidentally coming across a new uncharted land. The first embarrassment is how they could’ve missed America in the first place. It’s not like it’s fucking Jamaica people. It’s only the second largest continent on the globe. You would think that one of these British ass holes would have come across it once or twice before. Secondly, he thought it was India therefore called the native folks who met him at the gate Indians. And you know what, we still call them that to this day! This isn’t India people, get over it. Of course, what is this land called? A man by the name of Amerigo Vespucci was the person this land was named after. And did you know that it was only named America instead of Amerigo because his hand writing was so bad.

1533
A year that will go down in history as the crumpled piece of what could only resemble broccoli on the bottom of the hooker’s pussy that history didn’t notice until he had already stuck it in there for an hour. Cardinal Wolsey, Lord Chancellor to King Henry VIII of England was executed for failing to get a papal annulment of Henry’s marriage to his brother’s widow, Catherine of Aragon. That’s how many people dead and how many yet to come for not granting King Henry VIII an annulment so that he can marry the little tramp he found in France so that she could cheat on him and be executed in about 3 years anyway? Good thinking, Henry. Let this be a lesson to all of you people out there who are having problems getting a divorce. Before killing about 100 religious officials and friends including your wife, attacking the royal church thus turning most of your citizens against you, going back on a treaty that resurrects what many thought was a dead war, and also putting your country in financial ruin just to get a divorce. Just think to yourself, “Is she really that bad?”

1556
A year that will go down in the annals of time as the computer generated bikini tops on all the girls when history is trying to enjoy Showgirls on TBS. In this year, the first formal doctrine of censorship was written in the halls of the Vatican by it’s counsel under Pope Paul IV. This document was called The Index Librorum Prohibitorum. It was a list of publications that were considered spiritually and morally dangerous and not to be read without permission from a Bishop. This was in response to mass publications of Protestant books that were being read by the people of Rome and elsewhere. Although this was a temporary fix just until they could get around to burning all of these books and arresting sellers who had the balls to distribute them, it stuck around and was even revised in 1564 to add all of the new texts considered to be spiritually dangerous. Wow, good thing that censorship and the arresting of those who distribute books on this list was just a temporary fix. Could you imagine if this stuff could have gone on through the seventies and even still today? Man, that would suck! (Insert maniacal sarcastic laughter here)

1642
A year that will surely leave it’s mark as the time that peed in the grandfather clock at history’s last new years party. Galileo Galilei died after serving a substantial period of his life on house arrest, charged by the Roman Catholic Church as a heretic. Galileo was the man who theorized that the rate of fall of a body was independent of its mass, noticed the rate of a pendulum was independent of its amplitude, designed his own telescope which allowed him to make several discoveries like the sunspots on Jupiter’s satellites which convinced him of the superiority in the heliocentric system over Ptolemaic system which he made look quite foolish. Jesus Christ, what’s next? Rape? You better lock this man up until the day he dies, Pope!

1687
A year that has proven itself nothing less than the abortion botch who later fell from the vagina of history while it was on the crapper. Sir Isaac Newton discovered a series of laws that apply to everything and everyone in the universe. One of these was the law of gravity. Although pretty fucking obvious, his theories met mass skepticism throughout the scientific community. Yes, that same scientific community that believed in Creationism, a flat world, the sun revolving around the earth and an invisible man in the sky; I think I can see how magnetism could’ve sounded just a little absurd to them.

1773
A year that stained the teeth of history before its last dentist appointment. This is the year when many of local natives boarded a ship on the Boston Harbor and dumped hundreds of pounds of imported tea into the waters below. Okay, I see how it is. I have to live in an age where the most common elements in our water supply are Ecoly, psychotropic medications and feces. These fuckers lived in a time when all the water had was the subtle taste of chai. You know what? Fuck you!

1798
A year that will surely mark its place as the gooey white puss that seeps from the end of a popped pimple in the face of history. In this year, the first loaf of sliced bread was sold in London. All I can say is, thank god for that. Up until this point, the world was in rampant chaos and a constant state of death and destruction. But now that the greatest thing to ever be invented has been born, everything will be okay from now on.


1831
A year that will go down as the drunken table dancing 50 year old mother at history’s 12th birthday party. In this year, the Church of Ladder Day Saints was founded in New York by a man named Joseph Smith. He claimed, with the help of a strange naked Indian friend who visited him in the night, to have discovered golden tablets buried in the ground that if read out of a hat would translate into the Book of Mormon. A book that claims Jesus had spoken to prophets in the ancient Americas. This group moved west after Smith’s murder and staked their claim in Salt Lake City where they now rule with an iron fist. They reject any type of stimulant or poison so long as it’s not something the church invests in with the few millions of dollars a year they demand from their patrons. But they also shun beards, and wear magical underwear that are laid out for them in the morning by one of their 300 wives.

1860
Here’s a year that marked the bunny suffocating under the hat of history just before the second grade school magic show. Abraham Lincoln was elected as president of the United States. In response, many southern states announced their decision to secede from the union to maintain their slave based system. There are two embarrassing things about this event. The first is the fact that we decided to stop them. Secondly, if we wanted to keep them so badly, why didn’t we just propose an offer. They couldn’t have slaves anymore, but in return they could marry their cousins and wouldn’t have to learn to either read or brush their teeth. Seeing as how that was going to happen anyway, it may have sounded good enough at the time to avoid quite a few thousand deaths.

1865
A year that marked its place as the N.A. sponsor from which history hadn’t heard in about eight weeks, who’s found dead from a cocaine over dose with three midget hookers with scurvy decapitated and eviscerated on his floor. This was truly a great accomplishment of true democracy and freedom. After four years of war and death, America’s civil war to free an entire race from slavery and oppression was finally over. We as a union could now ban together in the name of freedom to continue to exterminate and starve the native Americans, and continue moving west to slaughter and displace the Mexican people.

1925
I’m not even going to think of a joke about this dark year in history. Seriously, this marked to year of the Scopes Trial. Tennessee school teacher John T. Scopes was arrested and tried for teaching the Darwinian theory of evolution to his students. Why was he tried for this? Because in Tennessee there was a law on the books forbidding teachers from teaching their students anything other than the literal interpretation of the Holy Bible. He was eventually convicted for breaking the law, however the publicity of the trial had a positive influence on other states who later failed to pass such laws against science. However, although the jury is still out on both Darwin’s Evolution theory and Newton’s Gravity theory, they have since decided to replace health inspectors with grace and prayer, and stop teaching the heliocentric system only to replace it with the theory that the earth rotates around the sun because God is playing tetherball.

1949
Eric Blair, also known as George Orwell, published his controversial novel 1984. His grim view of a totalitarian future has created much controversy among literary scholars around the world. Although it was a work of fiction, I can see just how it would have been insulting as a view of the future. To think that sometime in the near future, events would take place excusing bills and other such policies that would call for the methodical stripping of human rights and civil liberties, followed by a media quarantine, drug companies helping the government sedate most of the culture with dangerous and addictive psychotropic medications, and a “big brother” watching all citizens with cameras strategically placed in sections of most big cities. Seriously, this is absurd. I can truly see how that was insulting to politicians and literary scholars around the world.

1950
Since the fifties were a time of unparalleled prosperity, vast cultural transitioning and fantastic music, something had to happen to make us look back on them as a time that left the puke stain next to the toilet in history’s bathroom. Senator Joseph McCarthy made a claim to have a list of names of communist infiltrators. Although this claim was never proven, he then began the infamous McCarthy trials. In this dark time in our country all that you had to do to end up on television was order Russian or Italian dressing on your salad or buy the wrong type of Vodka. You would then end up in a dirty smoke filled court room with Senator McCarthy asking you if you’re a communist, gay or possibly just a pathetic drunk like he was. Ironic though that for a man who hated the Soviet Union so much, he certainly loved their potato juice, didn’t he?

1969
A year that will surely go down as the best man who left the pecker tracks on the history’s wedding gown just before the ceremony. Aside from being a year when the U.S. government decided it would just be much easier to film the moon landing on a sound studio than actually go there. Not just the year when the Church of Satan was founded in San Francisco, a religion who’s bible begins with the dedication, “For Diane”. Another historical atrocity occurred in this year.

Richard M. Nixon was inaugurated as America’s new president after his long winded win over Hubert Humphrey in 1968. As a result of this, the conspiracy theorists are going crazy. They’re saying all of this crap about how Nixon is going to try to stretch out the Vietnam war until he’s up for reelection, he’s going to, with the help of his German presidential adviser Henry Kissinger, propose illegal wire tapping on American citizens, that he and Kissinger are even planning to enact a bill giving insurance companies carte blanche when choosing whether or not to pay out to the insured, that he might aid other countries in their civil wars by sending the peace corps to build “schools” in foreign country’s when they’re actually building prison camps, aid, with American tax dollars, South American death Squads, and also order the assassinations of foreign democratically elected leaders because their views conflict with U.S. policy. Boy, I’m glad we never listen to those nut jobs!

1975
In this year, Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world were hovering in their caves as they were waiting for the rapture. Waiting for Armageddon. They ran through the streets warning people of the coming end, and to their surprise, nobody listened to them. In the end, can you imagine the shock and awe on the face of the world when the end of the world, predicted by a religious cult, never happened?

2498
What a year to add to history’s black spots. After finally making it to the 7th Gladronoid the New Old New York Parthaks lost to the Squadron 4 Hydronoids. How many Glarnacks did those fans pay to make it into the Excel Oxygen Stadium? We’re just sick of our sub country being embarrassed! There was a time when being a Wal-Martian meant more than just being Zimbabwe’s bitch! I don’t care if you are the biggest Blarbek in the sub ordinate Zentar. I’m sick it! I mean, do you really think the refs weren’t paid off and just didn’t see the Hydronoids bringing anthrodenic ray-guns onto the blefbark. I guess the moral of the zinthrobe is that we shouldn’t even try because the galactic teams never lose.

Cute Little Animals Without Souls

In all three major Abrahamic faiths, it is taught that God gave man the earth and all its inhabitants the earth to do with it as they pleased. Along with this teaching is that animals don't have souls and are mindless creatures that are here for our consumption. Well, although it disparages me that Anne Coulter would disagree with me, I happen to find this statement false, and I do so with a BIG, BIG SMILE!

While I don't particularly believe in the "soul", being an atheist, I tend to require some sort of proof of something to call it real, I stand against this belief simply because I love animals and I don't believe them to be our inferior when it comes to aspects of the "soul". Elephants mourn death, monkeys are capable of understanding currency, as was recently proven by economist M. Keith Chen of Yale, and all animals are capable of love and affection.

But I decided that it's not even worth arguing the point to my friends at the religious right. So I decided to make a blog for the young ones instead of the adults for a change and show you some adorable pictures of all of the cute little animals that, according to the Christian, Muslim and Jewish faiths, will burn in hell because they are soulless beasts.



Look at these two together. It sure seems like they like one another, but according to the Abrahamics, they're not capable of that. Well, at least they'll be together in hell.



An adorable little mother duck and her children that the Christians say she's incapable of loving. And she's leading her children straight to hell where Muslims say she and her children belong.




This soulless beast is clearly incapable of affection. It's a good thing that our friends in the Christian faith tell us that this horrific beast is going straight to hell, huh?



This may seem like a content little Hedgehog, but I assure you, it's eyes are only dreaming of MURDER!!! It's a good thing that after death, the cells and enzymes of this animal won't be recycled into the earth, as this animal will be burning in hell.



Animals, as is proven again and again (not by science, but by religion) are not capable of maternal instincts. Remember, they're just soulless creatures!



Those little cute eyes will surely look good roasting in hell, won't they?



Hang in there, Kitty. Hell awaits you!



Yep, so lifeless and meaningless are these creatures.

In the end, I must admit this blog to be a cheap blow. However, religious parents seem to forget to tell their children about the negative aspects of their faith, and there are plenty. And the parents who do inform their children of the negative side of religion either raise suicide bombers or atheists. The latter being the most common. Why do you suppose that is? And why do you suppose parents would abstain from telling their children about this part of the religion? Well, it would certainly interfere with the brainwashing if they were to tell their children that these cute and fluffy animals mean nothing in the "eyes of God", wouldn't it?

In the end, it's not cheap for me to do this. It's realistic. So, how about some realistic teaching and child-rearing. Instead of only filling the heads of your children with the brainwashing, cute and fluffy parts of faith, how about letting them in on the other 97% and letting them choose for themselves. Because you can't just choose bits and pieces - either you believe in it or you don't. Why don't you let little Timmy make up his own mind for a change. He may thank you for it one day.

Thank you. I'm the Smiling Atheist, and apparently I'm smiling my way all the way down to Hell. But one of the reasons I smile is because I know it doesn't exist.

Have a happy and guilt-free tomorrow.

A Day in the Life of an Atheist



I'm a laid back and moderate person in most cases and I don't pretend to be a representative of any kind of the Atheist community. However, reading a book recently about the Creation Museums which are now scattered across America concerned me. It would have enraged me, but I am the Smiling Atheist after all. Apparently, there is a part of numerous creation museums which contain sections on atheism and atheist households, depicting them as devil worshiping drunks, and homes laden with violence. The ironic thing about it is that atheists, being atheists, don't believe in the Christian Devil, therefore, we would feel pretty silly worshiping him, wouldn't we? But the second aspect of this is the all-encompassing lie that is not only being presented here, but is actually being believed.

I, then, thought it was my duty to run through the average day in the life of an average atheist to hopefully dispel the rumors and malicious lies which are being put forth by people who apparently aren't smiling all that much at all.

I'm going to use this past Saturday, simply because it was a pretty average day, other than the fact that my fiancee had the day off. Fiancee? Yes, atheists marry too.

The morning was rather average. Nicole awoke a few hours before me, as I was up all night writing and working on various projects as usual. She eventually woke me up around 10:30 with a kiss. I, being a pretty heavy sleeper, didn't awake immediately, but the touch of her lips, along with that big, bright, annoying globe in the sky did it for me.



I immediately took to the kitchen to make some coffee. Now, this is the part where, according to the Creation Museum, I should have been reaching for the bottle of Vodka that I feel asleep with the night before, only to notice I spilled it onto myself. At which point, I would lick whatever I could off the carpet and then beat my fiancee within an inch of her life for letting me spill it on myself. However, as will be the consistent theme in this little story, that could not be further from the truth.

Anyway, I was putting on some coffee when she came up behind me and gave me a hug, which was lovingly requited. I should make a note right now that she is also an atheist. In fact, her previous boyfriend of almost six years eventually "found God" and then would tell her all the time how much it saddened her that she would go to hell instead of joining him in heaven. Keep in mind that this is the guy who, the last time she went to see him to pick up her dog, was showing her his new military assault rifle. This is why she was more than happy to move from the south to be with me in Minneapolis.

But I'm getting side tracked here. After the coffee was done, we indulged in our favorite beverage. Really, any nice, rich, organic coffee on the darker side of the roaster is perfect for us. We love our coffee.

She then brought up how beautiful it was outside that day. Keep in mind, this is Minneapolis in the middle of November, so by beautiful, I actually mean about 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Her suggestion was that we would head over to Loring Park and unload the last of our buns to the squirrels there. For those of you who don't live in the Minneapolis area, Loring Park is an extremely beautiful park that is dead center in the middle of Minneapolis' gay community. The animals there are so friendly and used to people, they'll come right up to you and take the food out of your hand. Nicole was in love with this place the first time I brought here there. But since I notice that this blog has more exposition than Star Wars, I'll continue and try to make way without further explanation.

So, I hit the shower and she soon followed. Noted, we showered separately. I know that being atheists, we should be starting off our mornings with homosexual orgies in the hallway of out apartment building, but that was just not the case on this very day. Now, that's not to say that we don't enjoy our sex-life, but it just wasn't in the cards that particular morning. Oh, and no orgies either, contrary to the Creation Museum.

Now, according to the aforementioned Creation Museum, after the shower I should surely be leaving my beaten and defenseless fiancee on the floor while I head out to pick up hookers on Lake Street. However, it was at this point where we left for the park. It was chilly, but we were trying to soak up the good weather of the day as much as possible, knowing that the snow would be coming at any time.



The furry little creatures at the park were even cuter than normally, as they were so fat because they're all stocking up for Winter's hibernation months. But this only meant that those squirrels which would usually be more timid than the others were more than happy to come right up to you and gently take the food from your hands. You occasionally get the ones that will swat the food out of your hand first and then slowly inch away, but most of them are very cute and affectionate creatures. Well, for squirrels, anyway. Now, at this point, according to our friends at the Christian Right, we should have proceeded with our bag of poisoned food and choked to death whichever squirrels didn't fall for our evil and demonic scheme. But, again, this was just not the case, as the squirrels seemed well fed and we proceeded toward the pond area to toss some food at the seemingly endless amount of geese, ducks and pigeons that were all around.

We fed them for a while, but the seagulls were too much for us to handle, and they caught just about every bit of food from us that we tossed, in lieu of the ducks and geese. And since they seemed to be swarming us and we didn't want to get pecked or pooped on, we figured we'd take our cold asses home, barring a short stop at the grocery store. What did we buy there, you ask? Well, if you hold your pants on, I'll tell you.

According to the Creation Museum, we apparently should have been picking up more booze and the discarded fetuses from Planned Parenthood to fry with the animals we'd just needlessly slaughtered. But instead, we got a box of organic Christmas Cookies (I know that just because they're organic doesn't mean they're good for me, but I can burn the fat off - the other stuff, since I don't know what it is, I can't), some chicken and other useful sustenance. After the grocery store, we ducked into Traitor Joe's Wines. Oops, there we go getting all boozed up, right? Well, um, no. Actually, we picked up a bottle of wine for that night, as we had planned on a rather romantic evening, and we picked up a bottle of Riesling to bring to my Aunt's house for Thanksgiving this week.

After getting home, I started dinner. I'm the cook between the two of us. However, the Creation Museum would have you think that Nicole would be barefoot and pregnant, heating up said fetuses while I punched her for overcooking the fetus roast. Yet, it's funny that that is the image I get in my head when I think of most southern Christians. Ironic, isn't it.

I made dinner and we indulged in a little wine, but for whatever reason, instead of catching a nice, calm buzz, the wine made both of us tired. Me, because I didn't sleep for very long, and her because she never sleeps very well when I'm not in there with her. So, we forewent our romantic plans and I put in a movie and the both of us laid down together on a thick blanket on the floor and cuddled. Wow, so instead of mass orgies, these two atheists didn't even indulge in innocent and monogamous sex after their "boozing"? No, not that night.

Now that I look at it, it seems rather boring, but it isn't to me. We're both in our late twenties. And even though we still go out and have tons of fun a lot, most of the time, we just stay in, cuddle and enjoy our mutual love for horrible and wretched B-Z rate cinema.

So, while the Creation Museum teaches that atheists homes are riddled with violence, drug use, alcoholism and everything allegedly non-Christian under the sun, let this story be a lesson to all. Atheists are people just like anyone else. We vary just like any other group in the country as well. There are atheists out there who buy into Christian rhetoric and actually believe that homosexuality is a choice, or that abortion is immoral. But over all, atheists seem to be much more able to have calm and rational discussions about controversial topics, simply because we came to all of our conclusions, morals and values on our own through constant conversation and questioning. We didn't, however, come to our conclusion because it was told to us without factual foundation by a biased source with cool wax sculptures of a group of people maiming one another in their own homes with a sign that reads, "The Typical Atheist Home. A Culture in Despair."

If you're willing to formulate your opinions in such a manner, then I'm afraid nobody can help you in the first place, so I'm sorry you just wasted your time reading the truth, because it's something that you're obviously not interested in. But if you're one of the few intelligent religionists out there, I hope that this story helped you buy taking you first hand into the life of an atheist couple. And while I'm sure it's not going to convert you, I hope it helped you understand that atheists aren't how they're portrayed by your leaders. In face, we're just the opposite.

Thank you all for your time. I'm The Smiling Atheist. I'm good without God, and I'll smile faithlessly to the end. Thanks again.

Why People Laugh At Religion


The following is a series of terms and names and other such nouns that I've put together, all relating to religion. What I did was take the most well known terms that I could find and pick the funniest of them, as far as absurdity. Now, I didn't pick ones that I could make fun of, I picked ones that are so absurd that they make fun of themselves, hence the name of this particular episode of The Smiling Atheist. Please enjoy, and if you're offended by this, please avoid any death threats this time around. Thank you much, and enjoy.



A

Astrology. (Paganism)

Astrology is the belief that one can tell not just the personality of any given person but also their future, by merely making a map of the stars on the night they’re born. It is also the belief that one can tell a person’s winning lottery numbers on any given month by the date on which they were born. I, myself, am a Scorpio. That means I’m supposed to be deep, artistic and sexually charged. However, my Scorpionic description said nothing about my desire to constantly mock those around me for having stupid beliefs in things like Astrology.

Atheism. (Modern)

Smart.

B

Babylon. (Old Testament)

A great yet sort of sinful city. Once the capital of Assyria, Babylon was the chief home of captive Jews captured by Cyrus the Persian. Even before these times, during a period of great wealth and power for Babylon, its people united together to build a great tower. A tower into the sky that stretched to the clouds. The point of this tower, according to some, was to reach Heaven and to speak with God directly. As God knew he could not have his people reaching him, he split them up into separate races and scrambled their languages to confuse them. Obviously, God thought we couldn’t play well with one another anymore.

Another school of thought refers to this tower as a monument for the achievement of man, which, in the bible, is also sinful, because we should praise God for everything we've done. This is why people tend to thank God for the food on their plate that they bought with money they worked for. I'll start thanking him or her when he or she gives me something that I don't have to obtain myself.

Baptism. (Most Faiths)

A ritual common to most religions where a designated representative of God dumps water believed to have magical powers over the head of another anthropoid. It begins when a series of magical words are spoken, often in other languages, and culminates when the magical water is dumped on the head of a screaming child. Often referred to as water-boarding by the Geneva Convention, Baptism has become a time honored tradition for most religions of the world. Namely those with Middle Eastern heritage.

Blind Faith. (New Testament)

Something necessary for all religions, blind faith is a term used to describe a firm belief in something that is so strong that it becomes a part of everyday reality to you, of which you have no concrete or even circumstantial evidence. Truly, blind faith is the necessary component for all religious practices and beliefs whether organized or unorganized.

Belial. (Roman)

Belial is an ancient god most often represented by an owl. Belial is worshiped now days most often by U.S. politicians in very exclusive but not so secretive ceremonies. Once a year, many US politicians get together for a ceremony known as the cremation of care that involves a taped conversation and incantation followed by burning a human effigy in honor a wooden owl. This is done in California’s Bohemian Grove. Nobody is allowed inside except for staff and women are not allowed at all. To me it sounds like the “leaders” of our country are having some pretty serious orgies

C

Creationism. (Most Faiths)

The belief that some sort of divine father figure one day shook his finger and with a lightening volt, suddenly there was the Universe, the Earth, Plants, Water, Animals and Humans. The most rational theory of all religions.

Cosmic Jewish Zombie. (New Testament)

The belief that a cosmic Jew whose mother was inseminated by a giant invisible man who controls and predetermines everything that has happened and will happen in the universe. The Jewish zombie rose from the dead just a few days after he was buried under a rock (surprisingly with no witnesses). He now controls us all from wherever he is, through telepathy and psychokinesis. You worship him not only by kneeling under your ceiling fan and praying to it, but also by attending a large creepy building once a week (on his father’s day of rest) to imbibe his blood and eat his flesh.

D

Delilah. (Old Testament)

Once upon a time there was a glam rocker by the name of Samson who had flowing blond locks; waved, teased and feathered. His power came from his hair, as it was so beautiful that it had the power to seduce any one chick at any given Poison concert. One day, Delilah came to Samson as he was jamming out to Motley Crue, and sliced his hair straight off. Now a hairless freak, he was imprisoned in the very trailer park where he had been a judge for 20 years. Stories say after imprisonment he went blind from masturbation and eventually killed himself because of his lacking ability to imagine glam rock chicks while masturbating. Goes to show you, don’t ever let a Philistine cut your hair.

Divine Intervention. (New Testament)

Possibly the most egotistical and self-centered of all religious beliefs, this is the belief that God occasionally pokes his head from the sky to help an individual person or group of people. Dangerous protesters of religion might ask why, if God has the ability to do this, would God care more about Dan Danielson finding the best deal on new shoes than he does for starving children in third world countries? The answer is simple. God doesn’t care about starving Somalian children because they primarily don’t believe in him. It’s very important, however, that God help Dan find his new shoes at fantastic discount prices because Dan is a believer. And I don’t care what anyone says, there is nothing egotistical about only helping those who praise you and letting all others die.

E

Enochian Keys. (Satanism)

The Enochian keys is a set of 19 incantations or spells that will eventually lead to the raising of Satan as well as the destruction of humanity and all religions. Although the beginning of the book clearly states that there is no Heaven or Hell and there is no God or Devil; for whatever reason, the second half of the book is instructions on how to invoke the black god of the under world. I’m sure the answer lies somewhere between “I don’t know” and “Who gives a fuck”. Of course, how much faith can you put into a bible that starts with the dedication, “For Diane.”

Evolution. (Satanic Science)

A blasphemous and harassing theory believed by many Satan worshiping “scientists” that proposes that man has not always been what he looks like today. The theory of Natural Selection was the basis of human evolution and was first proposed by Dr. Charles Darwin (If Doctor was his real name) in the late 19th century. Natural Selection is a demonic theory that proposes that through microscopic changes in appearance from generation to generation as well as climate changes that may allow one to thrive over another, within a few thousand years, branches of any particular species may become a different species altogether.

This theory when applied to humans claims to trace all of our ancestry to a basic single celled organism that may have come about through random amino acids combining in puddles of muck in one of Earth’s more violent and unstable eras. So just because most species on this planet share over 90% of their Deoxyribonucleic Acid with one another, (whatever that is) that may be proof that we all have similar heritage.

Human evolution proposes that certain tribes may have left Africa and headed north thus migration causing certain changes to their makeup for survival as those who had not experienced these changes would have surely died due to the inability to survive. Therefore, generation after generation carried traits similar to the survivors and not those who died as humans cannot breed after death. This eventually made us what we are today. As we all know, this whole theory is hogwash. We all know that we look different and speak differently because a long time ago we built a ladder to heaven so God had to split us up and not let us play with each other anymore. He gave us different languages just to make sure. The end.

F

Fasting. (Most Middle Eastern Faiths)

Fasting is the act of not eating for a predetermined period of time. This is done because religion gives us the idea that a limited amount of Anorexia Nervosa could bring us closer to God or whoever your chosen invisible man is. This is especially great on the economy when production slows in many plants in the Midwest due to the high amount of dizzy and sickened workers around Ramadan. Fasting is a great attribute to religion’s ever so growing detriment on the American Economy.

G

The Garden of Eden. (New Testament)

This is the story from the Old Testament that explains the origin of human life on Earth. A long time ago, apparently about 5,000 years according to Christian Scientists; there were only two humans on the planet. They had no shame as well as no clothes and were surrounded by magical creatures including unicorns and I guess, prince toads or something. They lived in harmony in the Garden of Eden without any kind of sin or pain. One day, God came to his two little teacher’s pets and said, “You may do what you wish in this garden, but whatever you do, don’t eat from this tree!” Now, for whatever reason, god didn’t want them to eat from the tree of knowledge.

One day, while picking ferry dust and fresh lemons, Eve decided she had the munchies. It was then that a strange talking snake told her that she should quench her appetite from the tree of knowledge. She looked upon the tree that God had warned her not to eat from and decided to do it anyway. She ate and ate from the tree and suddenly had knowledge of shame and sin. Immediately, God came form the sky with a forceful finger and said, “Bitch, what the hell did I tell you about eating from that tree?” Eve was startled and soon God turned the garden into a wasteland.

Adam awoke from his slumber to notice this beautiful place being turned into a dead zone and said, “What the hell is going on? It was just a dream about a little girl!” And since Eve ate from a stupid fruit tree, we all carry original sin and it hurts to give birth. If that woman wouldn’t have eaten from the tree it wouldn’t hurt to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a very small pear. It makes perfect sense to me. As it should to you as well.

H

Hell. (New Testament)

A fiery land sometimes referred to as the Lake of Fire or the River Styx. This is the land where all bad people go when they sin in life. After you die, if you haven’t accepted Jesus into your life, no matter how good of a person you are, you will go to this horrible place and suffer for all eternity. You will burn and melt and even be forced to listen to Brittany Spears for the rest of eternity. So you better be sure to be a good boy or else Santa will bring you coal instead of a present. OOPS! I mean, you’ll go to hell.

Holy Crusade. (Common to many religions)

A holy crusade is an act of war and domination and even manifest destiny that is practiced by many religions from the Middle East including Judaism and Christianity. Although most Middle Eastern books of faith hold rules against killing another human being, they also hold many quotes in them that say that this rule does not apply when you are killing in the name of your god. In the Koran, it clearly states that you must convert by any means necessary even by means of murder. In Christianity there is a passage that says, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live; he who doth bareth onto any other god shall surely be put to death.” Apparently the whole “thou shalt not kill” thing is negotiable and only applies to other Christians. It is because of beliefs like these that religion has been responsible for more war and death throughout the great history of mankind than has any other reason.

I

Immaculate Conception. (New Testament)

The belief that a virgin who had never made yippies with her husband, (bet he was happy) birthed a child although never losing her virginity. The father of this child was a big invisible man who one night came from the sky to choose her to have his perfect and all knowing son. The sole purpose of birthing this bastard child was so that he could grow up and die for everybody. Although one might ask, if god wanted to forgive everyone for original sin, why didn’t he just do it instead of birthing a child to die just so he can do what he wanted to do anyway? This thought pattern would involve rational thought and should not bear its ugly face anywhere near religion.

J

Jesus. (New Testament)

See Cosmic Jewish Zombie

Joan of Arc. (Contemporary)

A historical figure of very recent proportions. She was canonized by the English in the year of our lord 1920. Joan’s claim to fame was her near success in ridding the country of France of the British during what is now known as the Hundred Year War. She led the French army in battle because of one incident of her life. One night in her sleep, again as I’m sure without the assistance of psychedelic drugs; she was visited by three ghosts: St. Michael (The Ghost of French Past), St. Catherine (The Ghost of French Present), and St. Margaret (The Ghost of French Future). These ghosts not only showed her what life would be like if she were never born, but they told her of the evil of the British people who were occupying their land. They told her it was her Holy Mission to rid the land of France of the British and allow Charles VII to be crowned.

She went to Charles with the news that dead people told her to militarize on the British. He believed her and charged her with an army to rid France of the Brits. She succeeded in a few battles but later failed to rid Paris of the British. She was taken hostage and sold to the British who tried and burned her. It is said that late at night one can still hear the screams of Joan of Arc, which is said to sound slightly like sheep being herded.

The Gospel of Job. (Old Testament)

The gospel of Job was a book in the Old Testament. It all starts when God starts to notice the faith of a man who followed the word of god tooth and nail. For all of his faith in God he was greatly rewarded in his life and blessed with many gifts, including great wealth. One day, Satan is walking along playing with his yo-yo and notices God on a mountain top watching Job. Satan strikes up a conversation with his arch rival and nemesis and cleverly leads the conversation onto Job. Satan tells God that Job only praises him so much because God has given him so many gifts in life. Satan elaborates that Job would not praise him if he hadn’t all of the blessings he had. God responds by saying, “Oh yeah?!? Well… Well I’ll show you, I will!!!”

So God decides to take Job’s wealth, smote him with festering boils, forced through telekinesis an army of warlords to destroy his crops and cattle, and then proceeds to drop a house rather comically on his beautiful daughters. After all of this, Job asks God why he would do that sort of thing to him when Job has been so faithful. God’s only response was to turn to Satan who apparently stayed standing there with God all of that time and exclaimed, “Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, HA! I told you he would still praise me!”

Jonah. (Old Testament)

The story of Jonah is from the Old Testament. It is a story about yet another man who talked to God, surely again with absolutely no happy juice or super herb in his system. One day Jonah was given a charge by God to teach Judaism to the Gentiles in Nineveh. Jonah told God that he’d do it, but as soon as God turned around, Jonah was on a boat getting the hell out of there. The problem was that Jonah was thrown over board and found himself face to face with a whale who eventually swallowed him. After this horrible situation, Jonah managed to live in the stomach of the whale for three days. How that happened, I’m not sure. I just know the stories and I’m relaying the information. After three days, Jonah made it safely to shore repenting his decision to deny God’s charge to teach Judaism to the Gentiles which he got to work on immediately after saying, “Holy freaking God, alright I’ll do it!”

Joseph Smith. (Church of Ladder Day Saints)

A great and magical prophet who one night when lying in bed was visited by a strange naked Indian friend who told him of Christ’s visions in the new world. He told Joseph of magical stones that would allow him to recite the teachings of Christ who had appeared to prophets in the ancient Americas. Joseph Smith dug and dug and eventually found these magical stones in the ground. He brought them back to ask a friend of his to transcribe what he says as he reads the stones out of a hat.
When his friend went home, he told his wife of what Joseph had taught him. His skeptical dirty Harleton of a wife told him to purposely lose the transcription and have Joseph read them again. If he were telling the truth, it would be the same story. When he arrived to Joseph the next day, he told him of the lost transcriptions. Smith immediately responded by telling him just how cryptic the writing was, so when he read them again it wouldn’t be exactly the same story but the same basic storyline. This of course proves that Joseph Smith was telling the truth and was actually reading the word of Jesus Christ. His teachings are still practiced today in the mythical land known as Utah.

K

Kabbalah. (Judaism)

Ancient religion practiced by many of the world’s elite. It is said to be an ancient religion that will make you feel like a virgin again. It also carries with it a bracelet that could indefinitely make you a material girl.

L

Lucifer. (New Testament)

Truly a man of many names, because it all depends upon which religion he was stolen from in whichever particular denomination in which you believe. Lucifer was the angel of light. God’s most perfect angel. Lucifer did a lot of great things for god including ratting out the people of Earth whenever they did wrong as well as narcing on angels. How angels did anything that God didn’t know about is beyond me, considering God is all knowing and angels did not have free will, their will was only the will of God. They were made to be servants. See, even God believed in slavery! One day, Satan managed to become jealous of God and challenge his throne. How he did this without free will is miraculous, but only to be outdone by the legion of angels who got behind him, also without free will.

Lucifer and his army of angels were defeated and expelled from heaven only to be cast to earth to wander for eternity. But somehow, Lucifer is in hell at the same time. Either way, Lucifer is now known more prominently as Satan and wanders the Earth for eternity along with all of the angels who made the independent decision (again, somehow without free will) to turn on god and challenge his throne.

M

Maytraya. (Buddhism)

Long ago, Buddhism was solely located in Tibet. It was taught by a man who not only believed in self sacrifice, but believed in self deprivation to such an extent that he starved himself under a tree. Therefore, who better to carry the teaching of Buddha to the people of China, where the belief structure would be eventually dominantly practiced, than Maytraya? As he started the first school of Buddhism in China, children gathered around to hear something other than the teachings of an old Chinese guy with ten foot fingernails. The children sat around listening to points of self sacrifice and deprivation coming from a man who’s belly was sticking out so far he couldn’t even see what little bit of a penis he had left. Draped in a crimson robe tagged with gold that was as big as a house tarp but still not big enough to cover his rounder than round belly; he sucked from a hookah made of pure gold. As he did so, he taught the children of China not to over indulge and to give their worldly possessions to the poor.

Miracle Bath. (Catholicism)

A place where many sick and dying people go because of the belief that the pond holds with it the healing power of Christ. So in other words, people from all over the world with all sorts of indigenous illnesses dive into one pond together. Do I really have to say anything more than that as to why this is a bad idea. Yet again, religion’s detriment on human health.

Moloch. (Greek)

See Belial

N

Noah’s Arc. (Old Testament)

A story out of the Christian faith that tells a story of a very drunken man who spoke to God on night in a drunken stupor. He found himself charged with a holy crusade. God warned him that a great flood was coming that would flood all of the lands in the world and he must ensure the survival of all living creatures. Why, if god wanted everything to survive, he created the flood in the first place is beyond me, but he did.

Noah’s charge was to gather two of every animal on the planet, one of every sex, and load them aboard a large boat to ensure they’re survival. After Noah went through his period of disbelief, he decided to go ahead with the charge he was given. After only a day, he managed to gather two of every one of the 900,000,000 species of insect, two of every 600,000 species of mammal, as well as two of every 8,000,000 species of reptile. He loaded them all onto a large ship that only took him about a week to build and as the flood came, the arc raised them all to safety high above the waters. Although, Noah later noticed that he forgot to bring a chick with him. OOPS!

O

Original Sin. (New Testament)

Original sin is the natural evil that lives inside of all of us because at one time a talking snake told a strange naked woman to eat from a fruit tree. We all carry this natural demonic side to our personalities and must perpetually ask forgiveness for it. This natural sin was the point of God impregnating a virgin to have his bastard son only to die. Natural sin is within all of us and is suspected to be somewhere near the pancreas.

P

Platform of Non-Involvement. (Catholicism)

The side chosen by the Catholic Church during World War 2. in the 1940’s, Pope Pious was supposed to refute and condemn the actions taken by the Nazi Party in Germany despite the cooperation of then Italian leader, Benito Mussolini. On the morning of the scheduled speech, Pope Pious got cold feet and instead of condemning the actions of the Nazis, he openly said to the people of Italy, “You know what? I just don’t even want to touch this with a ten foot pole!” He then slithered his cowardly ass back into the Vatican and did laundry.

Plentery Indulgence. (Catholicism)

The belief that anything that has a mandate from the people, God will hold true in Heaven. This means that if a people’s sanction is passed that considers child molestation a miracle, God will hold true that all child molesters are saints. Do I need to elaborate?

Purgatory. (Roman Catholicism)

Purgatory is a place where souls who have not gotten the chance to turn “clean” on the planet Earth go to suffer until God feels that they are clean enough for heaven. The most common prisoners of this purification version of hell are unbaptized babies. That’s right, the Roman Catholics believe that an innocent child who hasn’t the power to make its own decisions must go somewhere to suffer after death for the decisions of its parents. Well, I guess that this is a little bit more humane of a belief than those who feel that unbaptized children just go straight to hell. But hey, if there’s something we’ve always been able to count on the Catholics for, it’s compassion.

Q

Quakers. (Cult)

A group of people much like the Amish who don’t believe in the existence of electricity or cars. They are a group of people who left England leading the way to the new world because they didn’t want to pay taxes and they wanted to marry their cousins.
After a lovely dinner with the Indian folk of America, they decided to start a new holiday known now as April Fools Day. This was a holiday started by playing practical jokes on Indians and also those within them who were thought to be witches. They played lovely little pranks on those folk such as covering them in disease covered blankets as well as leading them to trees which had traps tied to them that would spring the sinister Indian folk into the air and bash their heads on branches. They worship in meetings that start in a period of silence. They only begin when one of them is moved by the inner light which they believe to be their guide to address the congregation or to pray. They are also responsible for some very tasty rice cakes.

Qumran. (Modern)

A site near the caves where only recently, the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered. The scrolls in which Jesus openly preaches against the concept of churches and organized worship. For whatever reason, this has been hard for people to accept. Since people still pump money into churches in ritualistically partake of cult like behavior and worship. I guess you just can’t get through to Ass-Hats like Christians.

R

Rednecks. (New Testament)

A group of extreme Christian followers who have been blessed with numerous visions of faith including, but not limited to, seeing the Virgin Mary in a bag of potato chips and often being anal probed by aliens believed to be descendants of Christ in some faiths. They attend television churches on a channel that is known in their faith as Fox News.

Revelations. (New Testament)

A book in the New Testament that was based on the prophecies of John the Baptist. One night (surely without the influence of mood altering chemicals) John “The Baptist” had a vision of the end of the world. It all starts with angels flying in the sky playing horns. Onto the breaking of seven seals that are broken by the devil as he aimlessly wanders the earth. He’s also busy showing himself as a lion that rises from the sea and a dragon with seven heads and ten horns who talks to a woman who’s been lost alone in the desert for 40 years but is somehow pregnant.

The pageantry is capped with giant locusts flying in the sky along with four horsemen who seem to resemble the ring wraiths in Fellowship of the Ring. This leads to the climax of a child who is born without a soul because the soul bank has run dry. As interesting as all of this sounds, it has been prophesied to happen over 70 different times to date by numerous denominations of the Christian Faith.

S

Suicide Bombing. (Judaism and Islam)

Based on the belief of Holy Crusade, many Middle Eastern faiths believe that killing those who believe differently than you is an act of faith. In dying for your faith, you are immediately sent to heaven to receive not just 40 virgins to do with whatever you wish, but also a certificate of godhead. This is similar to many Christian faith’s beliefs in the sense that killing those who are different from you is a sign of true faith and by doing so you are acting in the name of your god. Hence, the Crusades, Cashmere, Salem, The Middle East, the World Trade Center, The Inquisitions, Rome, Woman’s Clinic Bombing, etc... Need I say more about why religion is dangerous?

T

Tattoine. (Unknown Origin)

A mythical place that some believe to be somewhere near the magical place of Hoth. A place where two sons rise in the sky over the top of the great desserts where people in flying machines hover above the ground hunting the giant creature, the Whomprat. A place where cloaked men known as Sand People wander on large dinosaur like beasts searching for victims and slaves. Where there are some who know of a mythical power known as the Force which only few have the power to harness. These are known as Jedi.

A place where kings and queens alike gather in glowing white cantinas listening to the same beautiful song played repeatedly by magical musicians who never stop playing. Although beautiful, the mythical land is ruled by a villainous blob of jelly known as Jabba the Hutt. Who has taken the greatest leaders and gods in the galaxy as slaves and frozen them in the magical carbonite. Even those lucky enough to avoid freezing are forced to face giant monsters for their freedom which is inevitably denied anyway. Tattoine is truly a place of magic and myth.

The Ten Commandments. (Old Testament)

A term that refers to ten laws of faith that were spoken by god onto an aging Jew who had just walked for 40 years in the desert leading a group of Jews from Egypt to Israel. On the long hike that was incited by a conversation he had had with a burning bush, he had done many great things including parting an entire sea so that his group of Jews didn’t have to swim and get themselves wet thus irritating their skin or causing further inner ear infections. When the group had stopped after about 40 years or so, probably to start a Deli or Bagel Shop, Moses had become irritated at the way his fellow Jews were acting. He then told them all to wait behind as he climbed a great mountain to have coffee and a bagel with God.

Atop the mountain where nobody was around to witness, Moses had his lunch with the almighty who told him of ten simple rules to follow to stay on his good side. After the conversation, Moses headed back down the mountain to inform the people of his conversation. On his way, he came across a mountain man living half way up the hill who for whatever reason happened to have a humongous golden box with throne like carrier stems upon it. The mountain man told Moses to carry the commandments down in the box. Moses said, “Really? You just want to give me that much gold?” The man was very generous. And Moses left to go back down the hill somehow carrying about a ton and a half of gold and two stone plates with god’s words inscribed upon them.

When Moses returned, he noticed his people had become even more messed up and were now worshiping a golden cow. Moses said onto them, “No, No, No. You’ve got it wrong. It’s pigs that are like superheroes to us, not cows.” He read the commandments to his people and for whatever reason, none of them questioned any of the circumstances I have previously mentioned. If you’re interested in understanding these commandments better or even realizing what they are in the first place, I suggest reading the late great George Carlin’s last book entitled “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” The end.

U

The Unification Church. (Cult)

The Unification Church was founded in South Korea in 1954 by a millionaire businessman named Sun Myung Moon. In the early 1960s it was introduced in the US as an early right wing youth crusade and is now active in other countries. The ideology of the cult is summarized in his book “Divine Principal” which was shown to him by Christ in 1936. Moon is known as the second Messiah and the head of a family of perfect children. He will succeed in redeeming mankind from Satan. Absolute obedience is a prerequisite for members who do nothing but earn money for the organization by doing things such as selling flowers in the streets. Moon has built a property and business empire in this country since 1972 but was sent to prison for tax evasion 1984.

V

Vampires. (New Age)

The myth of Vampires isn’t as new age as many actually think. The concept of Vampires existed in most religions including Christianity. I would say that it mainly existed in primitive religions, however I hate to be redundant. You can find the vampire concept in the story of Cain and Abel, as Cain is destined to an eternal life of feeding from the living after killing his brother, Abel. Vampires became extraordinarily popular after Bram Stoker’s tale of Dracula, which was based after a real life Romanian prince named Vladislov Dracul, or Vlad Tepes.

The concept as a whole is simple, an immortal being who must feed from the blood of the living in order to survive. In recent centuries, these undead creatures have shown themselves to be as real as sliced bread. With the surfacing of the current legal system as well as the current tax system, real life vampires found a reason to come out of hiding. Although the name vampire isn’t to their liking as they prefer the titles Lawyer, Agent and Accountant, vampires have come to be all too real in the last century.

The Vatican. (Catholicism)

Virtually an entire country all itself. Its real state holdings alone could pull the country out of our national debt if we would just tax them. The Vatican is a group of religious fellas, including a former Nazi, who aid in not just transporting sexual predators across the globe, but also in teaching young children not to use protection.

Aside from the ruthless killing of millions of English, Roman, Middle Eastern, Jewish and Chinese people, as well as the over taxation of many poor and contraceptive deprived people, as well as the protection of sexual predators, as well as a platform of non-involvement during the Nazi Holocaust, as well as the relocation of many South African refugees who later turned out to head successful terrorist cells, as well as the forced halting of stem-cell research, as well as the over-funding of abstinence only education that has been proven time and time again to be unsuccessful, as well as the rise in crime due to anti abortion laws wherever they hold sway, as well as repeatedly lobbying against civil rights for many minority groups, as well as… Well, I could go on forever. Let’s just say that the Vatican is without sin. Okay?

W

The Watchtower. (Jehovah’s Witness)

A monthly newsletter put out by a religious folk known as Jehovah’s Witnesses. This movement was started in the late 19th century by a man named Charles Taze Russell in Pennsylvania. Although based on scriptural teachings, the group rejects Christ’s divinity regarding him as the son of God or even a prophet in general. They expect the end of the world in the near future although their originally predicted year for the apocalypse of 1975 was more than off. They originally believed that only the 144,000 original Jehovah’s Witnesses would be chosen for the kingdom of heaven, although that number changes with every new member they initiate. They don’t vote, fight in war, celebrate holidays and often don’t leave their houses, except to knock on your door and pester you when you’re having great sex to tell you about a fucking watchtower.

X

Xenu. (Scientology)

The galactic lord who exiled Thetans to Earth about 75 million years ago only to destroy their ships with hydrogen bombs around a volcano that acted as a sort of atomic nuclear reactor. The Thetans, because of their exile, now live in the brains of every living creature preventing all of us from mastering arts such as telepathy, telekinesis, psychokinesis, and hopscotch. Lord Xenu was also not a big fan of psychologists or psychiatrists, but was a great fan of lawyers as he encourages those who have expunged the Engrams from their reactive minds to sue anyone who may mock them in anyway. Xenu is also a fan of John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

Y

Yom Kippur. (Judaism)

Yom Kippur is a yearly holiday of penitence for the Jewish community. It comes just days after Rosh Hashanah which is the Jewish New Year Festival. On Rosh Hashanah, Jews from all over the world join together in penitence and blow a Ram’s horn in temples. While this may sound gross to you and I, just imagine how good that Ram feels once a year. Yom Kippur soon follows after the new year festival. It is a day where Jews all over the world join together once again in penitence. I guess you could say that this is the day of Jewish Guilt. Jews all over refute stereotypes against them by fasting for 24 hours, hence refuting their love of bagels. They also throw sandwiches into a river, thus refuting their love of Deli Meats. I guess the only thing they really missed here was a 24 hour vow of silence to refute their love of complaining.

Z

Zephathah. (Old Testament)

The valley near Mareshah in which King Asa marshaled his forces for the battle against Zerah. There’s really nothing funny about this, except for the fact that when I read that back to myself, it just sounds like something out a bad Sci Fi or Fantasy novel, doesn’t it? I’m done.