Fun with Fundies (December 27, 2009)

So, in other words, if it does not say this specific statement in the Koran, then it cannot be true. Let's translate that a little by saying what he really means, "A small group of radical theologians 1,600 years ago were much smarter and advanced, theoretically, philosophically and technologically, than today's scientists."

Congratulations, Mr. Iraqi "astronomical researcher". You are indeed BAT-SHIT CRAZY!

Fun with Fundies (December 26, 2009)

The plain comparison of living, biotic beings to inanimate objects shows a clear misunderstanding of evolution in the first place. And isn't that the trend that binds all of the science deniers? It truly is. There is a pattern of complete misunderstanding of Darwinian evolution, not to mention its history and progress. But in all, these people just hate science because science has taken the myths of yesterday and exposed them as the...well, myths that they are.

Religionists have a problem with science only when it interferes with beliefs that were written down in a book 2,000+ years ago by cattle-worshiping primitives who thought the Sun was magic. But they have no problem putting their lives in the hands of science when getting on an airplane or starting their cars, do they? Either you accept science or you don't. The Amish have it right. They reject science and all of science. They stick in their own communities and only come out when they need to. And best of all, they don't utilize technology. I have no problem with primitive minds doing primitive things and staying out of the way of the advancement of the rest of society. What I have a problem with is what you see in the Middle East today: Stone Age minds wielding Space Age technology and weaponry. The Amish have it right. They don't want science and science doesn't want them. Well, except for their furniture. It's fantastic.

If you agree with this man and what he represents, then I suggest you start reading. And by reading, I don't mean works of mythology, I mean work based on facts and evidence. Because you clearly misunderstand evolution as a whole. And frankly, if you're going to take your science from a book that was written about 1,900 years before the discovery of the Heliocentric universe, then that's just your own fault and there's nothing I can do to help you.

Congratulations, Mr. Muslim Cleric. You are exceptionally BAT-SHIT CRAZY!

This Just In!!!

This news just in out of Minnesota. A local resident by the name of Dan Angle has found this wonderful and awesome specimen: Atheist Toast. As you can see in the picture, the toast doesn't have a single design in it. In fact, there's nothing in the toast except toast.

The finder of this exquisite article is twenty-eight year-old Dan Angle of Linden Hills Minneapolis. A computer programmer by day and grocery bagger by night, Dan was shocked to find his breakfast come out in such a unique and bold design.

"I was just making a little breakfast in the morning, like I always do, and as the toast popped up from the toaster, this is what I found. I couldn't believe it at first, but as time went on, I realized that there was most certainly nothing in my toast. It was, as I put it, just toast and nothing else."


In a closeup photo of the toast, one can surely not make out any shading that resembles the Virgin Mary. There is no design resembling a man with a beard or even Elton John. It is truly just simply toast, and nothing more.

Dan declined to comment further, however, has apparently prepared a statement for a press conference that he has called for next Tuesday evening. But he has decided that he will place the toast in a sandwich bag where it will expire or thrive depending on fate. He will certainly not be selling this item on eBay, because of its cultural significance.

We'll have more on this story at eleven!

Crazy Breeds Crazy

In my life alone I’ve seen this in its more inconsequential form, all the way to its extremely dangerous form. Not that it’s ever inconsequential for a person to act in a seemingly crazy way over faith, but comparatively, there is a hierarchy.

Let’s go to the Mohave desert for our first trek into the minds of those who are willing to do anything to get closer to god. Once a week in the deserts of California and Nevada, many teams meet up on a weekly basis. Their overall objective is to get closer to god or closer to his saints as a group. Some groups feel that by snapping Polaroid photographs of the sun and looking for apparitions to appear in the photographs, they are somehow getting closer to their creator. Other groups wait for the Virgin Mary to appear before them as some have testified to have happened in the past.

What we really have here is a little thing known as group hysteria. A hallucination common to every person present within a group that is so strong it is believed to be real. Now as these people stand in the middle of the hot desert, probably malnourished, they all feel certain things and even occasionally see certain things that they relate to whatever god or saint in which they believe. This probably happens to people all the time in the confines of their own home, however, when you get a group of people together who all want to see something the energy from it tends to be more powerful. This bleeds over to everyone else in the group and leads to group hysteria.

Have you ever been alone in your home, and watched a scary movie in the dark? I bet you had a similar feeling if the movie actually creeped you out a little bit. A personal example: One of my many guilty pleasures is a radio broadcast known as Coast to Coast AM with George Nory. It can be a great show whenever the discussion doesn’t get anywhere past the political spectrum, but when he gets on to the more spiritual topics it’s a riot. Yet sometimes while listening in the dark hearing person after person giving these ghost stories that I feel they actually believe to have happened, I can get a little creeped out. It happens. I don’t even believe in ghosts or for that matter God, but it can even get me from time to time. I get a creepy feeling and look over my shoulder a little bit more. I like this feeling, being scared is a great way to remind you that you’re alive. But the difference between others who experience this and myself is that I know that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me and I also know that the creepy feeling I get is only a form of minor hallucination. It’s just chemicals in my brain reacting to what I’m hearing. Others, however, seem to think that getting this feeling must mean that there is actually a ghost peaking over their shoulder, or that there is something there. If this persists, it could truly turn into a very scary situation in which your brain goes into kind of a panic mode and you begin truly thinking there is something there.

If you believe strongly enough that something is there, then you will eventually see something. That’s the way the brain works. Perception, inside the brain, is often stronger than reality. This is because every thing that you see isn’t actually what is there. Sight is only your brains interpretation of what it is that your eyes are seeing. And truthfully, that can often be very deceptive. If your brain is tired for example, you may begin seeing little lights or fuzz in your peripheral. This happens because the brain is tired, not because there are actually little fuzzy lights flying around you. This is just hallucination and is exactly what people think is reality when they interpret little messages in their photographs of the sun in the middle of the desert. There’s really nothing there, but when you have one person thinking something is there and another who really wants to see something, person B is easily convinced. Then suddenly you have two people seeing the same thing and it’s even easier to convince the others in the group in a chain effect that will lead to group hysteria.

In the end, is it really all that healthy for your eyes to be taking pictures of the sun? Probably not, but people do it anyway because they think they’re going to see something. I bet if it weren’t for religion, people wouldn’t be doing this sort of insanity.

That was a very light example of the way that religion can cause people to behave erratically, but there are many more. Here are some now…

A man, who will remain unnamed as he is not a public figure and I’ve been sued enough, sat on death row for ten years for the crimes of matricide and patricide. This man was a Down Syndrome inflicted teenager who’s parents were cousins and grew up with his parents preaching the bible very heavily to him. This man killed his parents not because he was angry with them for inbreeding, but because the bible teaches that inbreeding is wrong. This is one of the few points where I’ll agree with the bible, but this poor kid interpreted the bible very literally, and just like many generations of people before him noticed that the bible condoned killing in the name of God.

His parents had sinned by inbreeding, therefore, in his mind deserved to die. He shot both of his parents in the head then called the police and confessed what he had done. The police picked him up and he was actually surprised when he was brought up on charges. Not surprised because of his condition, but surprised that a person could be legally charged for committing an act that the bible said was right. The sad part is that his down syndrome had nothing to do with this situation. Any child brought up in that sort of atmosphere could be just as susceptible. If you have both of your parents pounding this book into you so that you live by it, you will act accordingly to the book. And the cold truth is that the bible condones murder under certain circumstances.

He sat on death row for ten years trying to appeal and every time he was given a chance to speak at an appeal hearing, gave the same argument that he was acting in the name of God and, therefore, should be set free. He was executed in 1995. So not just one life wasted because of religion, but three lives suffering their end because of words in a book. A fictional book that has no more historical relevance than Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. A book that is no more factual than the movie Titanic. Yes the boat actually went down, but did any of that other stuff actually happen? No! Just because it’s almost historically correct doesn’t mean anything else in the book is real. But people think it is to a point where some will actually kill for it.

This is only one in hundreds of thousands of cases where people have harmed others because of the things written in the bible. If this can happen, then I would have to say that it’s not just an opinion that religion is dangerous, it’s a fact.
Is there a greater example of harm done to others in the name of faith than exorcism? Well, yes, but we’ll get to that in just a little bit here. Exorcisms take place when a priest or another religious official—usually catholic—believes whole heartedly that a human being has been possessed by some sort of magical demon or unholy dead person.

A larger group example would be cults, but the stranger ones seem to be the islander cults. I won’t go too far into detail about the John Frum Cult in Tanna, as my hedro-man-crush, Richard Dawkins, already beat me to it. However, it doesn’t make it any less absurd that these poor people gather annually on February 15, to welcome back their white messiah. Then every year the trek back into their huts, their faces washed with sadness and hands holding luggage, like the cranky old guy in the Twilight Zone Movie. It’s actually quite sad, but more than that, it’s irrational, mindless behavior based on faith.

People can argue until the inevitable effect of voice loss stets in, that Rhinoceros horn increases libido, or that fornicating under a full moon increases fertility, or that splashing magical water onto a child’s face will secure him with the fruits of eternal life, that shaking a maraca made from human skull and cougar sperm will somehow cure impotence, or that Alanis Morrisette has a keen grasp of the English language. Argue about these things as much as you wish, but you’re only wasting your breath. Fervently advocating myth will not cause it to miraculously become reality. You’re proving nothing with these irrational statements except for your own lunacy, delusions, and possibly, mental illness. Until society as a whole can accept this, we’re doomed to seek the veil of the Shaman.

People have a problem associating contemporary religions with primitive tribal beliefs, however, they are one in the same. Whether it’s an ancient culture believing the white man to be divine because supply crates come from the seas to maintain them, or if it’s Jesus doing magic tricks to convince people of his divinity, or if it’s the seas turning red and the sky turning dark under primitive people who thought it was god’s divine judgment; what’s happening is the same thing. The primitive mind was quite easy to trick as they had no legitimate science, therefore, if I lived in said world and saw an eclipse, I might rush into my home and prepare for God, Jesus, Allah, Elohim, Zeus, or Margaret Thatcher to rain down fire upon my head. However, we’re not in that world anymore. We’re beyond that stage of human evolution. Come on!!! We’ve mapped the Genome, cloned pigs, made glow in the dark puppies, birthed children from test tubes, and created satellites that rotate around the earth that are so powerful that we can watch the girls on nude the beaches of Spain from the comfort of our own in Lincoln, Nebraska via the internet. Don’t you think it just might be time for us to let go of these primitive and infantile beliefs and behaviors? Don’t you think we’re ready to move on? I’m just going to come out and say it: it’s just silly! You’re being silly, you silly person! I didn’t write this book with the intent of being demeaning or calling all religionists vacuous people, but the beliefs do that without any effort from me. After all, you must realize this. This kind of behavior makes the walks at the Ministry of Silly-Walks seem rather un-silly. But it only gets worse.

Sadly, we see the same types of beliefs coming from other sources, such as Mormonism. Racism seems to be frowned upon by the more liberal parts of the church now, but then again, so is polygamy. However, there are still fundamentalists who practice the original teachings of the church. These teachings make the claim that people of dark skin are lower than those of white skin, and are afflicted from God with their skin color because they took the side of the devil when he rose against the round table of Messiahs. Although, a dark skinned person can easily become white skinned, but only by becoming righteous in the eyes of God. This is a pretty serious claim, and one could imagine that it’s lead to much violence. Violence is seemingly the thread that connects all religions with one another. Of course, there are different severities, as it seems that the more primitive ones were far more peaceful than the ones we know now, but with its short history, I can’t help but be amazed at the great amounts of bloodshed committed by the Mormons. Some bloodshed over faith; some violence over race; some slaughter over paranoia. They argue that they are only so, because of their history of persecution. However, if you can find a religion that hasn’t faced ages of persecution, then I will admit fault and call myself a liar.

I guess the best way to describe just how crazy religion makes people act is the mere fact that people actually pay for astrological readings. However, there are much more extreme ways that people act outside of the box of pure individually irrational, self-inflicted idiocy. But I'll get to those another time. These are just some things that I had to get off my chest.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe and smile with me.

Your friend, The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way into hell.

Fun with Child-Actor Fundies!

I wish I could just assume that you all know why this is stupid and move on, but apparently that is not the case. This video is one of the most popular hits on Youtube.com right now, and I just don't know why.

But let me take a short look at what this douche is saying here. He stated clearly that we, as Americans, are being stripped of our civil liberties. Kirk is saying that children can no longer pray in public or learn religion freely. Well, as I'm sure you already know, this is a lie. There is a no law on any books stating that people can't pray in public. But even if there were, why would it matter? Why do you need to pray in public? What is stopping you from doing that in the privacy of your own home? But let's continue.

Kirk said that 61% of psychology and biology professors in the nation's top fifty schools are atheists. Okay, now I'm on board with Kirk on this one, but not for the same reason, I'm guessing. This does concern me greatly. What the hell is going on with the other 39%? Do you want your college professors believing in giant invisible single-fathers in the sky? Do you want collegiate level educators believing in dragons and seven headed lions? I certainly don't. Do you want the people responsible for your children using the their intelligence properly and efficiently to believe in talking snakes, sand-men, rib-women and magical gardens? Hell no! But as I'll repeat more than once here, I'm sure, if you want to learn about this kind of superstitious nonsense, then go to one of those cult-like Falwell colleges. Go to Pat Robertson's College of Proficiently and Unrelentingly Hating Things. Keep it the hell out of legitimate learning centers please.

Here's my favorite part: "They can no longer open a bible in school. The Ten Commandments are no longer allowed to be displayed in public places."

Well, no shit! Why would either of these things be okay? The core of his argument is that religion is not allowed in public schools. And why should it be? Public school is a place paid for by the tax payer, for children to learn facts not myths. Now, I can already here it coming, "But it is still the theory of evolution." For a more extensive explanation as to why that is stupid, visit my other blog, Unchecked and Unbalanced, where I have about a 30 page excerpt from my book of same name.

But indeed, it is the theory of evolution. But let's take a look at what a "theory" is.

a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world; an organized system of accepted knowledge that applies in a variety of circumstances to explain a specific set of phenomena; "theories can incorporate facts and laws and tested hypotheses"; "true in fact and theory"

Notice the term, "Well substantiated," in there. This is because a scientific theory needs to be substantiated. A theory is defined as a set of rules which uses past observations to predict future behavior. Any theory must meet 3 requirements: It must be repeatable, it must be independently verifiable, and it must be falsifiable. Creationism, in the guise of Intelligent Design, fails on all three, therefore, it isn't even a theory, and, therefore, should not be taught in public schools.

George Carlin summed up religion very well, "In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent and logical people in the twenty-first century." Einstein couldn't have put it better, even though he certainly did try. If you want your children to learn superstitious bullshit in school, then send them to a privately funded school where this type of nonsense is taught.

Now, what is intelligent design? Well, it is something that Kirk Cameron feels should be taught in school, even though it fails to meet even the guiding principles of a partially legitimate theory. But yet, he feels that there are two sides to this argument. But there are not. There is one side based on a mile-high stack of evidence to support it, and another side where the only evidence is a book that was written thousands of years ago, that we know has to be true because it says it is.

But maybe Kirk is right. Maybe all of the great works of science cannot even start to equal the wisdom of cattle-sacrificing primitives who thought that every animal in existence was in walking distance of a 2,000 year old drunk who put them all on a giant boat. Including dinosaurs, mind you. While we're at it, let's stop teaching the heliocentric Universe in school as well, and only teach the other side of the argument: The Geocentric Universe. Remember, The Heliocentric Universe Theory is, indeed, still a theory. So, according to Cameron's line of thinking, this means The Geocentric Universe assumption is just as legitimate. "Our children are being brainwashed into thinking that the Earth revolves around the sun!" You see, just replace one theory with another in Cameron's quotes and it sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? Well, it is truly the EXACT same thing. If it were up to him, he would replace scientific knowledge to accommodate the superstitious and incredibly stupid creation MYTHS of the Iron and Bronze ages. You know, the Hindus believe that the world is held up by an elephant who is standing on the back of a tortoise. Should we teach children that as well?

Or maybe the truth is more like this: Kirk Cameron and most other religionists are suffering from the largest mass affliction is narcissism ever known to man. After all, what narcissism is is the belief that you're always right, no matter what the facts are, and that your opinions are more viable than anyone else's, including those other opinions that are based on said facts. He feels that the "beliefs" of evolutionists are being taught in schools without the "other side" being represented. However, this is simply not true. There is no such thing as "belief" in evolution because facts do not require belief. Creationism requires belief because there is no evidence to support it. And if something requires belief or faith, it's probably not true, or else why would it require faith? Remember, the base word of belief is lie. And the base word of transcendental is transcend no matter how many biblical quotes you whip out to try to tell me that it's base word is dental. The point of that is that facts are facts and beliefs and opinions are nothing more than beliefs and opinions, and they don't change facts. They mean nothing and should not be taught in public schools.

What is even funnier about this is how we atheists are often accused of being self-centered egotists. Why is that? Did you just hear what this man said? Better yet, do you know what these people believe? The whole universe was made for you and everything in it was made just for you by a god who looks just like you. God is always watching you and knows everything about you. Oh, and he loves YOU. What, my friends, could be more egocentric than that? Certainly not the fact that everything came to be because of a random series of incidents.

In the end, Kirk feels as though science is just like religion. And he feels that way because he was brainwashed at an early age to only understand magic and fairy-tales. He doesn't understand that in the real world (the secular world), no matter how much we want something to be true, we unfortunately need to rely on that little thing called evidence. There is no difference between Kirk's conspiracy theory about science and all of the other twacked out, nut-jobby conspiracy notions out there. I don't call them conspiracy theories because they don't qualify as theories (see above).

And he compares Darwin to Hitler, but I gotta tell you, what just spewed out of Cameron's mouth was exactly the same as the evidence-free lies that spewed from Hitler's mouth in Nazi Germany. And Hitler created his own political religion to convince everyone of his lies and kill millions of people, using the same business model that the Catholic Church used to do the same some hundreds of years earlier.

But let's just concede. Let's remove all facts and legitimate theories from the public education system and only teach children what Kirk Cameron thinks is true. That's apparently what he wants, isn't it? What is it with child-stars anyway? They always turn out to be nut-jobs.

Congrats, Kirk. You sure are Bat-Shit Crazy!

The Side-Hug Hits the Streets!!!

Just in case you're a little behind on the latest street lingo and just in case you're finding yourself far behind on this years fads; let me present to you the newest and hippest fad of them all: The Christian Side Hug!

Okay, seriously, I'm assuming you watched the video up above, and I'm assuming you know why it's stupid. But let me take you a little deeper in depth with just why this is so stupid.

We all know that Christians and most religionists are afraid of their bodies, but this is going just a little beyond the norm. The Christian Side-Hug came about when a group of Christians were talking about how, in a normal hug, there is a chance for some small "clothed crotch graze," as The Huffington Post put it. To remedy this unintentional and inadvertent sin, the new side-hug presents a hip on hip touch only, allowing only your thighs to lustfully graze another person's.

To aid in this new fad's "sweeping of the nation," this group of roughians has taken the message to the streets and to the ghetto (where religion belongs if you ask me), to pass that "Christian Side-Hug" around. The Huffington post put it exactly like this:

Look out for the ominous sirens blasting on the track. Clearly, these are gangsters on the run from the law - probably from side-hugging up a storm! One emcee (wearing his bandanna 2pac-style no less) admits to taking part in the forbidden front-hug. But don't worry, God. He's married.

At the very end of the video, these hardcore gangsta rappers simulate the act of being killed. The first time I watched, I got excited, because I didn't know they were acting. But as it turned out, they were, and that turned my smile upside-down for a while.

But I just want to say a little something at the end here, as I really don't need to make fun of this much - it sort of does that all on its own. But why the hell are these people so afraid of their bodies? I really don't understand it. I know that they're taught to be that way, but I've always loved this quote that states, "If you live in a country that allows to freedom of religion and you still choose to follow a religion, you're an idiot."

Religion is a lot like political correctness in the way that in PC, the acceptable words and phrases of yesterday become the taboo words and phrases of tomorrow. Just look at how many different phrases in the last 60 years alone have been used to describe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And in a few years, that name won't be acceptable either. PC doesn't exist to appease people, it exists to inconvenience and annoy the rest of us, and possibly to trap us into using phrases that are no longer PC. Really, who the hell can keep up with it?

Well, religion is the same way. The things that are acceptable today, won't be tomorrow, as they'll come under attack from some radical religious fundie group out there. And now it's hugging that's under attack. What the fuck, people? This atheists is about to stop smiling again and it's because of you! What are we going to have in treatment centers now? Side-Hugs, not drugs? And what else is going to have to accommodate because of this? And what's next, handshakes? Because there's a chance if the shake is too long, it could be considered holding hands? Is the kiss on the cheek next? What about dry-fucking? Do you have a problem with that too? Jesus!

The point is this: the side hug will start is an inside fad, but don't be surprised if in four years, you're looked at by the fundies as an immortal sinner for hugging your friends in public. "That's far too much PDA in public, you sinner!" they'll say. Even though what they're really saying is, "I'm afraid of my body and you should be too, because I'm a repressed and violently judgmental person on the brink of lashing out!" Because at least that would be the truth.

So, to my many wonderful readers, yet peculiarly few followers, enjoy that "Christian Side Hug", because what's not to enjoy about a hip check? And remember, no matter how resentful these repressed and angry people are, never let them make you ashamed that you're free and not afraid of the body nature provided for you, no matter how you look or how you express it. And maybe some day, we can relocate all the fundies to the middle east where everyone already is the way they'd like all of us to be. But in retrospect, I think even the side-hug is a little too much for those people.

This is The Smiling Atheist - smilin' and profilin' right into hell, and you're coming with me. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for reading and have a smiley and God-Free day.

No Soul Soliciting!

Please, soul solicitors, when you see this sign, don't knock on the door. I used to have a No Soliciting sign on the outside of my apartment door, but wouldn't you know, as they're encouraged to do, the "soul" solicitors ignored it. By Soul Solicitors, I mainly mean Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. But there were plenty of other denominations too. But they would go ahead and knock anyway because they're not selling anything - they're "offering a free gift". Right? Right.

So, in time, I broke out the old Mac and adobe'd a No SOUL Soliciting sign, much like the one I just whipped up to headline this blog. Eventually, either a disgruntled neighbor took it down, or it was the landlord. I'm not sure whom, but I do know that I made another one.

Seriously, yeah, you know where I'm going with this, not even seven days from putting the new sign on the door that was left alone, outside my door stood two lanky, brainwashed kids in matching shirts, pants, pin-ties and bicycle helmets. Can I just add how damn stupid they look wearing all that crap. They don't look like my saviors, they look like salesmen. And truth be told, I'd rather have a salesman at my door. I'd rather watch a damn Kirby demonstration and get my floor covered in dirt pads (at least I get a clean floor out of that one), I'd rather watch how CUTCO Cutlery can cut through leather, because frankly, I've got some leather that could use cutting. Hell, I'd rather sit through a spiel about why I need eight plungers in my home, just before he tells me that if I buy a ninth, I'll get a tenth free. Hey, free stuff that's real, not free stuff that's not only phony, but purposefully coerced. They are, after all, just salesman trying to bring business to an already far too wealthy church with a lot of very stupid rules and values.

Case in point:

I can’t help but remember my ex-girlfriend’s sister and her family, who were members of the Mormon Church, which was a large reason the Mornies wouldn't leave me alone long enough to wipe myself. Of course, they only became members initially for the help that the church offered them. That's how they convert you. Some call it conversion through kindness, but I call it phony, extrinsic deeds meant to sucker more people into a very corrupt organization. But, like many, she eventually bought into the hype and became like Glen Beck.

I remember a conversation that we had once where we both laughed, almost to tears, about many of the different beliefs held around the world in strange cults. After rereading what I just wrote, I have to wonder how she could have found these beliefs so funny when she's Mormon.


You see, we were getting a kick out of The Raelians. They’re a somewhat recent movement. The cult leader, I mean founder, Rael, who claims to have been contacted by ET. That’s right, extraterrestrials contacted this man in the privacy of his own home in the seventies to let him know that they had created life on earth. Despite his awesome hair, I can’t think of any reason that this man was the person to be contacted about this. I would think that just coming to our world and saying, “Clatu Verata Niktu,” would have been a better way to let all of us know. However, Rael was their man of choice to carry this message to the world. Funny how these things always seem to happen in private, huh?

Rael is spreading the word that we must prepare ourselves for their second coming to take us back to their planet. Apparently, these creator beings, from whatever planet of origin, are very short in stature. Rael learned this when they appeared to him a second time to take him back to their home planet for coffee.

Looking at this, it actually falls in line with the Mormon beliefs. The “God” even has the same name in the Raelian faith. How then could a Mormon, who named her four kids after former U.S. presidents who are all quoted in being very against religion, laugh at the beliefs of the Raelians. Sure, I think it’s funny, but my beliefs aren't beliefs at all, my knowledge is based after study, science and fact. How could the woman in her magical underwear claim that she found the Raelian faith funny.

She, again, was a Mormon. Let's talk a little about what they believe in. These people don’t like me at all. This is because every time they come to my house, I let them in and actually try to talk to them about what it is that they believe in. I don’t even criticize them, really. I just try to have a conversation. They always end up getting angry and leaving. I don’t get it. Why, if they truly believe in this stuff whole heartily, are they so offended when I bring this stuff up? Maybe because, when it comes out of my mouth, instead of the mouth of a preacher, it sounds as ridiculous as it really is.


Mormons believe in the concept of celestial marriage. What this means is that if one lives a long and happy marriage, upon death, the spouses are given a planet of their own to rule. God can do this because he is the flesh and blood ruler of a planet not far from here in a nearby galaxy. Heaven is ruling a planet, and you actually must have a secret password to enter it. Maybe they print the password inside of their magical underwear. That’s right, the church markets a type of underwear, which looks like a comical pair of granny panties, which can protect a person from the following: fire, sin, Satan, bullets, and a whole lot of other unwanted particles.

Now, there is something that they believe that actually makes more sense than anything the other faiths believe. This is their belief that Jesus was conceived by actual physical sex with Mary, wife of Joseph of Aramethea. The issue with that is that Mary was a Hebrew. Therefore, she was probably a darker skinned lady. Yet, the Mormons believe that dark skin is a curse from God, and can only be changed by being righteous enough in God’s eyes. At that point, a person can indeed change color. Sound like anyone you might know?

Yet, wait, there’s more. In fact, Jesus wasn’t Hebrew, in fact, all of the biblical stories actually happened here. You see, Jesus spent most of his undocumented years partying with the Native Americans, as they are the lost tribe of Israel. What’s better than that, you ask? Mormons believe that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Having been to Kansas City myself, I’m doubting this greatly.

Mormons can even baptize people after they have been dead for a couple hundred years. Among the list of baptized people are names like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Please, Mormon folk, please don’t baptize me after I’m dead. I just want to go rule the planet Marthlak in peace, without any magical water in my beautiful hair, okay?

So, she's laughing about this guy who supposedly left the planet with aliens and started a religion, yet she thinks she's going to rule a planet after death with her husband, granted to her by the galactic lord Elohim. Strange right? But it's not all that common for those of one religion to laugh about the beliefs of others, while never once scrutinizing their own.

So, it's no secret why I get a little freaked when these people come to my home. They're f'n insane! They are (as if this were an addition of Fun with Fundies) bat-shit crazy. I won't even go into their history of race discrimination, their rules against beards in the church when ALL of their founders wore beards, and the fact that certain types of caffien weren't okay until they started investing in certain coffee and tea companies. Then, suddenly, they're just Grrrrrrrrreat!

So, please, little Mornies, when you see the sign that says, "No Soul Soliciting," yes, I do mean you. I mean everything that you want to do to, for, or say to me is not alright because I don't want you around me. You're nuts and everyone knows it but you.

Stay smiling and don't forget to smile with me and follow. Thanks for reading. I'm The Smiling Atheist, smiling my way to hell, apparently.

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies

Fun with Fundies is being kicked up a notch with yet another weekly series called Fun with Yesterday's Fundies. Now, I'm going to try not to go too far back into the past whenever possible, but with the last twenty years in this country and across the world, I don't exactly have to search all that hard for plot. So let's GET ON WITH IT!

Fun with Yesterday's Fundies was tailor made for this man. In fact, I could probably do an entire series with just his name alone. So, this weeks Fun with Yesterday's Fundies grand prize goes to...

Mr. George W. Bush for his 2003 dinner conference with then French President Jacques Chirac. It was reported earlier that Bush had brought up biblical prophecy at the dinner table that day, but I don't think any of us really knew just how terrifying the conversation was. Here's the story as it appeared in a French newspaper in September of 2007:

The story has now been confirmed by Chirac himself in a new book, published in France in March, by journalist Jean Claude Maurice. Chirac is said to have been stupefied and disturbed by Bush's invocation of Biblical prophesy to justify the war in Iraq and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs".

In the conversation, Bush brought up Christian biblical prophecy in the form of the biblical demons Gog and Magog, citing that they were afoot in the Middle East and The United States was on "charge from God" to stop them. Apparently God has given up charging 400 year old drunks to build giant yachts for dinosaurs, and then turned to the man who God's son, according to Bush, told him specifically to be president of the United States.

Obviously, this has much to do with France's opposition to the war. I truly don't think that the French are against removing terrifying dictators from rule, nor are they against exterminating radical and violent religious fundamentalism. However, Chirac was left with a choice to oppose radicalism, or align with a radical to oppose radicalism. Obviously, we know which side the coin landed on there.

So, congratulations, Mr. Bush. Not only has your irrational and idiotic thinking gotten us into the mess we're in today, but you actually pushed a country away that might have supported you. And as an honorable mention, I should note that the title change in DC from French Fries to Freedom Fries immediately after is an almost larger reason for Mr. Bush winning this week's Fun with Yesterday's Fundies award. And I'm leaving out his statement weeks later, claiming that "The French don't even have a word for entrepreneur."

God, Mr. Bush, you really were, and still are Bat-Shit Crazy!

Keep smiling everyone, because there are no biblical demons, there is no hell, and I'm on the fence with this one, but I think it's possible that there is no Middle East either. I kid, of course. Thanks for reading.

Fun with Fundies II

The thing is that I couldn't just pick one quote for the initial and inaugeral Fun with Fundies, so here's is the number two pick for this week. This comes from a conversation that I had with a woman on Myspace, (to whom I still speak mind you) who seemed very intelligent scientifically. I met her on Sam Harris' page, responding to a blog of his in protest, to which I came to Sam's rescue. I'm sure the whole thing fell under his radar, but who cares? This is a combination of two messages I recieved from her in the middle of this incredible, intelligent conversation, where I realized that I was actually talking to someone who was, indeed, Bat-Shit Crazy!

This week's winner is...

Honey Sweets from www.myspace.com, who said the following:



"well then all this is just doing research and a refining of issues and concepts.

'Many people of more theistic nature tend to take evolution..' well... to be blunt, many people don't know how to read either. and i have my own issues with the whole of creation..

first of all for the most part everything ive heard points to any and all of the "gods" as being extraterrestrials. and no i am not referring the nazi's which fled to the south pole who have been reported to have pretended to be extraterrestrials.

the mere fact that the torah clearly states that 'God' is the God of the 'gods', is rather disconcerting. that however does not mean that when compared to me that He would not certainly be worthy of the title.

there a lot going on around here.. science can't explain it all because its repressed for one thing and its at least 500000 years behind the science of the 'gods'.

Christ apparently could rearrange matter. now if you want to hear of the real mysteries consider for a moment that Christ's blood line was pure as it seems to be... a direct descendant of Adam. Adam who was not a hybrid mutation human but a specifically genetically engineered human with uncommon genetic traits and no genetic errors.

the reasoning would have to be that genetic code was NECESSARY to produce a Christ. without it there would not be one. the simplest reason for the necessity is that Christ body would have physical (cellular) properties that normal humans would not. The clearly dormant genes could be activated by specific and induced conditions and would result in a inhuman life form that had almost nothing in common with "humans". as in being born as a immortal first and foremost. Christ did not die on the cross for he could not die, the biological functions may have ceased to the casual observer but at the cellular level he was still alive or in the alternative merely inactive. His life appeared to have ceased because his consciousness was temporarily elsewhere. he commanded it to leave his 'flesh'.

like some immortals of fantasy.. nothing less than instantaneous and complete cellular destruction could stop His human form.

what kind of questions does that raise???? and yes asking those kinds of questions does make me a heretic.

if we were talking about botany id be much more receptive to that sort of proposition but we are not.

plants may cross pollinate and be exposed to various conditions which less successful variants might phase out, dormant genetic traits my be more predisposed in certain conditions.

the part you seem to be missing is that adaptation is more like recombination than progression, evolution.

modern humans are a clear progression... the single instance of it. thats mathematically impossible. evolution nor mutation explains racial groups. genetic engineering and real world testing does.

any defense to that point is merely a red herring argument at best.

pantheism... currently it seems as if almost true. But i would never be able to discern the whole truth in this body.. which is why i loathe it.


There are actually two wars fought between Satan and God. The first war in heaven resulted in Satan losing his residence in heaven but he still had visitation rights. He then abused those in order to gear up for another war.

The first war probably occurred between Gen 1:1 and Gen 1:2 The Hebew word for was- hayah (haw-yaw) was not intended as a copula or mere connector between earth and void but literally meant that the earth became void. While it beyond the scope of this article to discuss in detail the gap between Gen 1:1 and Gen 1:2 the text indicates here that the heavens and the earth were created and then subjected to catastrophic situation and then the recreation began in Gen 1:2. This situation was caused by the first war between Satan and God holy angels

Gen 1:1-2 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. (2) And the earth wasH1961 without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

H1961
haw-yaw'
A primitive root (compare H1933); to exist, that is, be or become, come to pass (always emphatic, and not a mere copula or auxiliary): - beacon, X altogether, be (-come, accomplished, committed, like), break, cause, come (to pass), continue, do, faint, fall, + follow, happen, X have, last, pertain, quit (one-) self, require, X use.

Strong's Hebrew and Greek Dictionaries

This first war in heaven ended quite early with Satan getting thrown down to the earth. It was this event that the Lord Jesus was referring to when he said He saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven

Luk 10:17-19 And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name. (18) And he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. (19) Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

Congrats, Honey Sweets, you are surely Bat-Shit Crazy! Keep smiling everyone, because there is no hell.

Fun with Fundies!!!

The weekly quote from the internet from our favorite people: FUNDIES. Extreme religious fundamentalists say some pretty radical things online, where they think nobody can fact-check them. Well, each week we choose a new quote from a new Fundie here on The Smiling Atheist. And this weeks winner is...

Jackie L., who after a heated discussion on the meaning of Christmas which turned into a discussion about religion, Jackie L. had this to say to the logical people on the other side of the argument.

"Oh, man, Mitch...I know more about dinosaurs than probably anyone you know! Here's the VERY short version since this thread is becoming humongo, but if you want more details I can definitely oblige:

Before the worldwide flood, which cultures all over the world still tell of through oral legend, there was a layer of water above the atmosphere. The Bible says this too: "So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water ABOVE it. And it was so. God called the expanse 'sky'." (Gen 1:7-8a). This layer of water would have protected the earth from ultraviolet rays and would have kept large amounts of oxygen in the atmosphere. Under those conditions, plants, people, and animals can live longer and grow much bigger! There have been HUGE versions of everyday animals that have been found in fossils all around the world. For example, ever seen a 9-foot-long millipede? Me neither, but there's fossils to prove they existed: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/04/070424-forest-fossils.html

This is the same with dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are basically huge, pre-flood lizards. Once the flood came, the water above the sky collapsed down to earth and the "fountains of the deep" (Gen 8:2) burst forth from the earth's crust (creating what we think of as "fault lines"). The earth was instantaneously drenched in water, creating a huge bath of mud that rapidly created pretty much all the fossils in the world today. Do you know that many fossilized animals are found with food in their stomachs that did not decompose? That's because the animals were instantaneously fossilized! There's even record of a mammoth found standing up, frozen solid in ice! Last I checked, animals don't die standing up without falling over. There's also fossils found on the tops of mountains, etc.... See More

After the flood, the protective barrier above the atmosphere limited the lifespan of all biological life. The lack of oxygen also limited their growth. There are many theories on why the dinosaurs did not survive to modern times. The best theory I've heard is that dinosaurs have very small lungs, which may have made it impossible to get the oxygen needed to survive after the flood. Some may have been hunted to extinction. There is plenty of evidence... I could go on and on."

I'll tell you, I have got to give it to Jackie L. this week, as she is certainly Bat-Shit Crazy.

Thanks for reading and keep smiling, as I will, even though there are so many people out there who actually think like this.

Sweatin' to TBN

Let’s flip on through the channels. Channel surfing is a favorite pastime of mine, but lately it’s become a little dreary. But since I’ve occupied my morning by fixing my coffee maker, I’ll go ahead and get started. Although, television is getting boring. I think I’ll flip over to Youtube.com and see what’s on there. I’ll run a search on the first thing that comes to mind. Ooh, I know, what about “conversion”! Oh, look at that, the TBN YouTube channel is the first thing to come up. I’ll flip through and see what we have here.

Okay, snake handling, miracle baths, and an interview. I’ll check out the interview. Oh, it appears that Steve Borden is interviewing Vince Russo on TBN about his recent conversion to Christianity. If you don’t know, both of these guys were involved in professional wrestling in the late 90s, which was its biggest period for adult marketing. I’m talking an old lady giving birth to her much younger, blacker and bigger boyfriend’s young baby hand. I’m talking Viagra on a pole matches. Vince Russo wrote all of this edgy material and now suddenly he’s a Christian. Russo, a former pro-wrestling/porn writer turned Christian, turned pro-wrestling/porn writer. Steve Borden, known as Sting, obtained commercial success by ripping off the Crow and feeding from the success of a movie which was successful because of its star’s tragic death during its filming. Okay, I’m bored with this. He’s plugging a book. That’s why he converted. NEXT!


Oh, there’s Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman going on in front of a horde of eager Christian spectators about how the war in Iraq was commanded by God. NEXT!

Oh, there’s Sarah Palin doing the same thing. Except she’s also talking about how man walked with dinosaurs. I thought she didn’t believe in the factual existence of dinosaurs. At least that’s what she said on television shortly after this, during the presidential primaries. Geez, and to think she’s plugging a book now too. NEXT!


As a side note, I’d like to point out how incredible the hair is on everyone at this station. I’d hoped the irony in the statement would be found even without punctuation.


Okay, now Kelly Copeland is telling women to do laundry in the name of God. Okay, now this is not only stupid but sexist too, if you ask me. But she really just asked, “Okay, ladies, if you’re doing laundry, if you’re grouchy about it, are you doing laundry in the love of God? Because when you do laundry in the love of God, you can get a harvest.” I don’t even know what that means in the first place. Harvest? Harvest of what? But how does, exactly, one do laundry in the name of God? Do you only wash your clothes on Sunday? Do you make sure to keep the clothing made by Jews, Hindus and Muslims out of the initial load, and just wash the “Christian” clothing? I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just naïve here, but I just don’t even get what’s going on anymore. NEXT!

I have no idea who this delightful man is, but let me quote what he just said, because my head is still spinning. And I’m sorry if this is poorly punctuated, because I only know how to punctuate English! “Words are things, or they’re word things, so when I say the words I just released a thing, but you don’t see the thing when I say it, you heard the thing before you saw it… because it’s heard before it’s said.” Wow, I’m sorry but I had to leave something out in the middle there, because I couldn’t hear it due to something crazy in my ear.


Mike Murdoch is now on talking about a woman who he met who was obviously just a desperate woman in need of help. What does the grand church of TBN do? Let me quote right from the man’s mouth, “A woman told me that her ex-husband has not paid child support in 15 years. I said, ‘Sow a seed for $58 just as a covenant between you and God. I’m not trying to buy a miracle – that’s absurd. Give God a seed of your faith - $58.’” Wow, so that’s what the church is all about, huh? A woman comes to you in desperation begging for some help because her ex-husband is a dead beat, and you hit her up for money? Yeah, because that’s Christ-like! I just hope her child’s school lunch money was well spent on a nice portion of that huge crystal palace at TBN. Oh, but it’s not done. In this same program he’s quoted in saying, “God talked to me and told me to tell them about the miracle of the $1,000 seed.” You know, for such an all knowing, all seeing and all powerful guy, God sure is pretty shitty when it comes to finances. Geez, the guy’s always broke. NEXT!

Okay, now Benny Hinn is talking to a “fella” who claims to have visited Heaven seven times. That’s pretty astonishing, I certainly must say! Being a person who’s only left this planet twice in my lifetime, I must say that seven visits to another invisible dimension is awfully incredible. Oh, you might be wondering what I’m talking about. In my younger years, I was taken up into a spaceship where I was taught by Martian tribal elders how to forge the Guardian Sword. Then, the second time was less pleasant, as I was, let’s just say, “experimented on”. But before I mention anymore about this, I should let you all know that what I’m talking about are the same exact experiences this man has probably had, should he not be lying. Those experiences are called, in the secular world, DREAMS!!! That’s right, it’s the same brain function that happens during a near death experience, and it happens every night. Your brain is programmed to hallucinate whenever things happen to it – things as normal as shutting down to go to sleep. These hallucinations cause people to see, hear and sometimes even feel things that aren’t really there - things that are just in their head. I talked to Vincent LaGuardia one night for what seemed like three hours, and all he was rambling on about was how the bread in hell was so dry and flakey. But it turned out that this whole experience only lasted about a minute and was part of the Rapid Eye Movement stage of sleeping. It’s the exact same thing and it’s nothing more than hallucinations. But Benny Hinn seems to have triggered some talking points, so I’ll stay with him for a while, okay? NEXT!

Okay, now it’s Benny Hill…I mean, Hinn, refusing to allow doctors into his ministry to inspect people after they’ve been “healed” by his “miracles”. There’s a shocker. NEXT!


Now Benny Hinn is walking around his enormous church shoving people. Oh wait, he’s healing them – my bad. He’s walking up and down the isle ways at the TBN mega-church and pushing over his audience members, calling it faith healing. Geez, talk about a bunch of pushovers. I apologize for that joke, but damn it, I’m leaving it in. NEXT!

Now he’s got a woman up on stage who claims to have been in a wheelchair when arriving at the program that night, from her crippling arthritis she’d had since 1966. He tells her to walk around on stage, lifting her legs high in the air, which to me looks a little bit like the old Nazi march. Then after she comes back around to him, he pushes her over. Her husband, only seconds later, joins Benny onstage to inform him that he watches his “program” every day. The wife shortly joins again, before Benny pushes both of them over by palming their faces. She gets back up and he pushes her over again. Seriously, what the hell is this guy’s problem. I knew a kid in second grade named Cody who used to push people all the time. I ran into him in my teens and kicked his ass. I think someone ought to do that to old Benny, here. But wait, I’m the Smiling Atheist – I can’t say things like that, now can I? But seriously, this guy is the Snake Oil Salesman from Hell.


But we’re talking about a guy who’s been brought up on more charges than that criminal Kent Hovind, or the self-hating homosexual to the left of this paragraph. But that brings up a point: why is it that all of these televangelists are brought up on so many charges? Oh, it’s because they’re frauds. And I don’t know who’s worse. I don’t know if it’s the greedy morons up on the stage, or if it’s their Christian protesters who call them frauds, and then proceed to call them the Anti-Christs spoken about in scripture. Do you not see what is bass-ackward about that? You’re both one in the same. You’re capitalizing on the fear of others to make your own gain.

I just want to put another side note in here that this is the reason that I compare the church with Big Tobacco. Seriously, if you don’t hook them young, you won’t hook them at all. If you tell a child something, he’ll believe it, because that’s what children are conditioned to do. But if you try telling those same stories to a 15 year old, he’ll look at you like you’re crazy. You see, every child is born an atheist, meaning that no child is born with knowledge of religion, therefore, no child believes in God. This is something that is taught to them, and it must be done at an early age. Apparently, the age of seven was too late for me, because that’s when my grandfather started telling biblical stories. And to me, it just sounded like the ramblings of an old man.

You see, I didn’t choose to be an atheist – it came as naturally as my desire to eat. Someone tells me that there’s something there that I can’t see, feel, smell, taste or hear, my response will be, “Okay, do you have any proof of that?” And quite frankly, that should come naturally to everyone, as every child should be taught to question authority. When you’re not taught to question authority and to believe whatever you’re told, things that all Abrahamic religions are adamant about, bad things happen. Do you know that there was a lobby group in Germany in the 30s called Jews for Hitler? There was, and that was a group of people believing what they were told instead of getting the facts themselves and formulating their own opinions. But that’s just something that revolves around good parenting, and good parenting, my diverse, reading friends, is something that’s almost as extinct as the dinosaurs. Just remember, you can’t spell believe without the word LIE. If you have to believe in something, then that something probably isn’t true.

I apologize for this rather somber version of The Smiling Atheist. I hope some of it was funny, but even a smiling atheist can get a little fed up watching stuff like this for an hour straight. And there were so many things that I purposely left out just because I couldn’t find anything funny about them – they were far too absurd, ridiculous, sad and demeaning to the intelligence of everyone watching them.

But since this was a somber blog most of the time, I'm going to end on a high note. I found this comic on a site called www.turnbacktogod.com,and I don't know if they completely missed the point of it, but I don't think it's really to the point of "turning back to God". In fact, I love it.


But anyway, this is The Smiling Atheist signing off, and I hope you smile a lot for me today, because I won’t be doing much of it now. Thanks for reading.

Ah, the Blunders of History!

I thought I would take some time to run down some of history’s greatest blunders and “black cloud” moments. We do have a long and rich history and I think although recently we’ve seen some very embarrassing moments that will roll into the next generation through history texts. However, what about the past? People truly think that events of recent history have been embarrassing, but what about those days of yesteryear and before. As a bit of a history buff, I’ve had a long time to think about this, so I hope you enjoy it.

1361 BC
In this year, Tutankhamen took over as king of Egypt after his father Akhenaton’s successor’s short reign. After moving the capitol back to Thebes, he banned the worship of the sun god back to Amon which nearly caused a civil war in Egypt and probably eventually led to his death. Goes to show us that if all else fails in our system of democracy, we can go back to a system where it’s possible to have an 11 year old running our country.

1200 BC
A war lasting ten years waged by Greece against Troy after the alleged abduction of Helen of Sparta. In the end, Troy was captured by the Spartan warriors led by Agamemnon and Achilles. The fact that King Menelaus actually convinced the people of Greece that this war was actually over Helen of Troy goes to show just how stupid primitive people were. There’s no way that the people of today would buy a lie based on an action taken by a foreign land to excuse the brutal invasion and reprehensible domination of another foreign land merely for their kingdom and resources!

230 BC
A year that made its mark as the toe rag in history’s dresser. Greek Mathematician and inventor Archimedes discovered what would later be called Archimedes’ Principle. This was the discovery that when a body is either partially or wholly immersed in liquids, the weight lost by the body is equal to that of the water displaced. After discovering this, he ran naked through the streets of Syracuse Sicily yelling, “Eureka!!!” over and over again. And although it wasn’t born for another couple hundred years, the catholic church is already considering burning him as a heretic.

0
A year that has made its mark as the gooey white stuff that flows from the sides of history’s mouth when it’s really thirsty. Ah, what a year. Not just the year when a woman claimed to have been virginally impregnated by an invisible man to give birth to a holy and all knowing cosmic Jewish son who would eventually die to redeem the sins of all mankind; but the year when about half of the population actually fucking believed her!


313
The year that really established itself as the catapult that flung the pie in the face of history. Roman emperor Constantine, after having a vision at war where he saw the clouds in the sky make the shape of Christ, enacted the Edict of Milan which forced the people of Rome to tolerate Christianity. Within only a few years it was the dominant religion in Rome which led to the persecution of people who retained the former religion of Rome. The Edict of Milan is also known as the Fucked Up Blatant Irony act of 313. You notice there wasn’t any bill later passed to force the toleration of Roman beliefs. Fuck you, Constantine!

1204
This was certainly a great year for leaving a bad taste in the mouth of history. Aside from thousands of murders committed by crusades and inquisitions from France to Spain, there was another blunder of history. The pope of the time decided to excommunicate members of the fourth crusade for allegedly becoming mercenaries for hire. The only thing I can think of is how unfortunate it is when people set out to do something as good as slaughtering hundreds of thousands of people for having different religious beliefs, only to end up becoming murderers for hire for sick sons of bitches who want to slaughter hundreds of thousands of people for reasons other than religion.

1431
A year in history that has marked itself as the itchy part just above the giant swollen hemorrhoid on the bulging ass of history. Ah, the year when Joan of Arc was burned for being a heretic. That’s right, the same people who believe that God has spoken to hundreds of people and told them to do many different things from starting wars to killing their brothers; burned a woman who believed that God had spoken to her and told her to assemble an army against the British invaders of France. The lesson of all of this is just be sure that when God talks to you, he tells you to do something that the church of the strongest monarchy wouldn’t disagree with.

1492
A year that will forever leave a mushroom tattoo on the forehead of history’s bukake party. Christopher Columbus launched an expedition to find another trade route to India and ended up accidentally coming across a new uncharted land. The first embarrassment is how they could’ve missed America in the first place. It’s not like it’s fucking Jamaica people. It’s only the second largest continent on the globe. You would think that one of these British ass holes would have come across it once or twice before. Secondly, he thought it was India therefore called the native folks who met him at the gate Indians. And you know what, we still call them that to this day! This isn’t India people, get over it. Of course, what is this land called? A man by the name of Amerigo Vespucci was the person this land was named after. And did you know that it was only named America instead of Amerigo because his hand writing was so bad.

1533
A year that will go down in history as the crumpled piece of what could only resemble broccoli on the bottom of the hooker’s pussy that history didn’t notice until he had already stuck it in there for an hour. Cardinal Wolsey, Lord Chancellor to King Henry VIII of England was executed for failing to get a papal annulment of Henry’s marriage to his brother’s widow, Catherine of Aragon. That’s how many people dead and how many yet to come for not granting King Henry VIII an annulment so that he can marry the little tramp he found in France so that she could cheat on him and be executed in about 3 years anyway? Good thinking, Henry. Let this be a lesson to all of you people out there who are having problems getting a divorce. Before killing about 100 religious officials and friends including your wife, attacking the royal church thus turning most of your citizens against you, going back on a treaty that resurrects what many thought was a dead war, and also putting your country in financial ruin just to get a divorce. Just think to yourself, “Is she really that bad?”

1556
A year that will go down in the annals of time as the computer generated bikini tops on all the girls when history is trying to enjoy Showgirls on TBS. In this year, the first formal doctrine of censorship was written in the halls of the Vatican by it’s counsel under Pope Paul IV. This document was called The Index Librorum Prohibitorum. It was a list of publications that were considered spiritually and morally dangerous and not to be read without permission from a Bishop. This was in response to mass publications of Protestant books that were being read by the people of Rome and elsewhere. Although this was a temporary fix just until they could get around to burning all of these books and arresting sellers who had the balls to distribute them, it stuck around and was even revised in 1564 to add all of the new texts considered to be spiritually dangerous. Wow, good thing that censorship and the arresting of those who distribute books on this list was just a temporary fix. Could you imagine if this stuff could have gone on through the seventies and even still today? Man, that would suck! (Insert maniacal sarcastic laughter here)

1642
A year that will surely leave it’s mark as the time that peed in the grandfather clock at history’s last new years party. Galileo Galilei died after serving a substantial period of his life on house arrest, charged by the Roman Catholic Church as a heretic. Galileo was the man who theorized that the rate of fall of a body was independent of its mass, noticed the rate of a pendulum was independent of its amplitude, designed his own telescope which allowed him to make several discoveries like the sunspots on Jupiter’s satellites which convinced him of the superiority in the heliocentric system over Ptolemaic system which he made look quite foolish. Jesus Christ, what’s next? Rape? You better lock this man up until the day he dies, Pope!

1687
A year that has proven itself nothing less than the abortion botch who later fell from the vagina of history while it was on the crapper. Sir Isaac Newton discovered a series of laws that apply to everything and everyone in the universe. One of these was the law of gravity. Although pretty fucking obvious, his theories met mass skepticism throughout the scientific community. Yes, that same scientific community that believed in Creationism, a flat world, the sun revolving around the earth and an invisible man in the sky; I think I can see how magnetism could’ve sounded just a little absurd to them.

1773
A year that stained the teeth of history before its last dentist appointment. This is the year when many of local natives boarded a ship on the Boston Harbor and dumped hundreds of pounds of imported tea into the waters below. Okay, I see how it is. I have to live in an age where the most common elements in our water supply are Ecoly, psychotropic medications and feces. These fuckers lived in a time when all the water had was the subtle taste of chai. You know what? Fuck you!

1798
A year that will surely mark its place as the gooey white puss that seeps from the end of a popped pimple in the face of history. In this year, the first loaf of sliced bread was sold in London. All I can say is, thank god for that. Up until this point, the world was in rampant chaos and a constant state of death and destruction. But now that the greatest thing to ever be invented has been born, everything will be okay from now on.


1831
A year that will go down as the drunken table dancing 50 year old mother at history’s 12th birthday party. In this year, the Church of Ladder Day Saints was founded in New York by a man named Joseph Smith. He claimed, with the help of a strange naked Indian friend who visited him in the night, to have discovered golden tablets buried in the ground that if read out of a hat would translate into the Book of Mormon. A book that claims Jesus had spoken to prophets in the ancient Americas. This group moved west after Smith’s murder and staked their claim in Salt Lake City where they now rule with an iron fist. They reject any type of stimulant or poison so long as it’s not something the church invests in with the few millions of dollars a year they demand from their patrons. But they also shun beards, and wear magical underwear that are laid out for them in the morning by one of their 300 wives.

1860
Here’s a year that marked the bunny suffocating under the hat of history just before the second grade school magic show. Abraham Lincoln was elected as president of the United States. In response, many southern states announced their decision to secede from the union to maintain their slave based system. There are two embarrassing things about this event. The first is the fact that we decided to stop them. Secondly, if we wanted to keep them so badly, why didn’t we just propose an offer. They couldn’t have slaves anymore, but in return they could marry their cousins and wouldn’t have to learn to either read or brush their teeth. Seeing as how that was going to happen anyway, it may have sounded good enough at the time to avoid quite a few thousand deaths.

1865
A year that marked its place as the N.A. sponsor from which history hadn’t heard in about eight weeks, who’s found dead from a cocaine over dose with three midget hookers with scurvy decapitated and eviscerated on his floor. This was truly a great accomplishment of true democracy and freedom. After four years of war and death, America’s civil war to free an entire race from slavery and oppression was finally over. We as a union could now ban together in the name of freedom to continue to exterminate and starve the native Americans, and continue moving west to slaughter and displace the Mexican people.

1925
I’m not even going to think of a joke about this dark year in history. Seriously, this marked to year of the Scopes Trial. Tennessee school teacher John T. Scopes was arrested and tried for teaching the Darwinian theory of evolution to his students. Why was he tried for this? Because in Tennessee there was a law on the books forbidding teachers from teaching their students anything other than the literal interpretation of the Holy Bible. He was eventually convicted for breaking the law, however the publicity of the trial had a positive influence on other states who later failed to pass such laws against science. However, although the jury is still out on both Darwin’s Evolution theory and Newton’s Gravity theory, they have since decided to replace health inspectors with grace and prayer, and stop teaching the heliocentric system only to replace it with the theory that the earth rotates around the sun because God is playing tetherball.

1949
Eric Blair, also known as George Orwell, published his controversial novel 1984. His grim view of a totalitarian future has created much controversy among literary scholars around the world. Although it was a work of fiction, I can see just how it would have been insulting as a view of the future. To think that sometime in the near future, events would take place excusing bills and other such policies that would call for the methodical stripping of human rights and civil liberties, followed by a media quarantine, drug companies helping the government sedate most of the culture with dangerous and addictive psychotropic medications, and a “big brother” watching all citizens with cameras strategically placed in sections of most big cities. Seriously, this is absurd. I can truly see how that was insulting to politicians and literary scholars around the world.

1950
Since the fifties were a time of unparalleled prosperity, vast cultural transitioning and fantastic music, something had to happen to make us look back on them as a time that left the puke stain next to the toilet in history’s bathroom. Senator Joseph McCarthy made a claim to have a list of names of communist infiltrators. Although this claim was never proven, he then began the infamous McCarthy trials. In this dark time in our country all that you had to do to end up on television was order Russian or Italian dressing on your salad or buy the wrong type of Vodka. You would then end up in a dirty smoke filled court room with Senator McCarthy asking you if you’re a communist, gay or possibly just a pathetic drunk like he was. Ironic though that for a man who hated the Soviet Union so much, he certainly loved their potato juice, didn’t he?

1969
A year that will surely go down as the best man who left the pecker tracks on the history’s wedding gown just before the ceremony. Aside from being a year when the U.S. government decided it would just be much easier to film the moon landing on a sound studio than actually go there. Not just the year when the Church of Satan was founded in San Francisco, a religion who’s bible begins with the dedication, “For Diane”. Another historical atrocity occurred in this year.

Richard M. Nixon was inaugurated as America’s new president after his long winded win over Hubert Humphrey in 1968. As a result of this, the conspiracy theorists are going crazy. They’re saying all of this crap about how Nixon is going to try to stretch out the Vietnam war until he’s up for reelection, he’s going to, with the help of his German presidential adviser Henry Kissinger, propose illegal wire tapping on American citizens, that he and Kissinger are even planning to enact a bill giving insurance companies carte blanche when choosing whether or not to pay out to the insured, that he might aid other countries in their civil wars by sending the peace corps to build “schools” in foreign country’s when they’re actually building prison camps, aid, with American tax dollars, South American death Squads, and also order the assassinations of foreign democratically elected leaders because their views conflict with U.S. policy. Boy, I’m glad we never listen to those nut jobs!

1975
In this year, Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world were hovering in their caves as they were waiting for the rapture. Waiting for Armageddon. They ran through the streets warning people of the coming end, and to their surprise, nobody listened to them. In the end, can you imagine the shock and awe on the face of the world when the end of the world, predicted by a religious cult, never happened?

2498
What a year to add to history’s black spots. After finally making it to the 7th Gladronoid the New Old New York Parthaks lost to the Squadron 4 Hydronoids. How many Glarnacks did those fans pay to make it into the Excel Oxygen Stadium? We’re just sick of our sub country being embarrassed! There was a time when being a Wal-Martian meant more than just being Zimbabwe’s bitch! I don’t care if you are the biggest Blarbek in the sub ordinate Zentar. I’m sick it! I mean, do you really think the refs weren’t paid off and just didn’t see the Hydronoids bringing anthrodenic ray-guns onto the blefbark. I guess the moral of the zinthrobe is that we shouldn’t even try because the galactic teams never lose.

Cute Little Animals Without Souls

In all three major Abrahamic faiths, it is taught that God gave man the earth and all its inhabitants the earth to do with it as they pleased. Along with this teaching is that animals don't have souls and are mindless creatures that are here for our consumption. Well, although it disparages me that Anne Coulter would disagree with me, I happen to find this statement false, and I do so with a BIG, BIG SMILE!

While I don't particularly believe in the "soul", being an atheist, I tend to require some sort of proof of something to call it real, I stand against this belief simply because I love animals and I don't believe them to be our inferior when it comes to aspects of the "soul". Elephants mourn death, monkeys are capable of understanding currency, as was recently proven by economist M. Keith Chen of Yale, and all animals are capable of love and affection.

But I decided that it's not even worth arguing the point to my friends at the religious right. So I decided to make a blog for the young ones instead of the adults for a change and show you some adorable pictures of all of the cute little animals that, according to the Christian, Muslim and Jewish faiths, will burn in hell because they are soulless beasts.



Look at these two together. It sure seems like they like one another, but according to the Abrahamics, they're not capable of that. Well, at least they'll be together in hell.



An adorable little mother duck and her children that the Christians say she's incapable of loving. And she's leading her children straight to hell where Muslims say she and her children belong.




This soulless beast is clearly incapable of affection. It's a good thing that our friends in the Christian faith tell us that this horrific beast is going straight to hell, huh?



This may seem like a content little Hedgehog, but I assure you, it's eyes are only dreaming of MURDER!!! It's a good thing that after death, the cells and enzymes of this animal won't be recycled into the earth, as this animal will be burning in hell.



Animals, as is proven again and again (not by science, but by religion) are not capable of maternal instincts. Remember, they're just soulless creatures!



Those little cute eyes will surely look good roasting in hell, won't they?



Hang in there, Kitty. Hell awaits you!



Yep, so lifeless and meaningless are these creatures.

In the end, I must admit this blog to be a cheap blow. However, religious parents seem to forget to tell their children about the negative aspects of their faith, and there are plenty. And the parents who do inform their children of the negative side of religion either raise suicide bombers or atheists. The latter being the most common. Why do you suppose that is? And why do you suppose parents would abstain from telling their children about this part of the religion? Well, it would certainly interfere with the brainwashing if they were to tell their children that these cute and fluffy animals mean nothing in the "eyes of God", wouldn't it?

In the end, it's not cheap for me to do this. It's realistic. So, how about some realistic teaching and child-rearing. Instead of only filling the heads of your children with the brainwashing, cute and fluffy parts of faith, how about letting them in on the other 97% and letting them choose for themselves. Because you can't just choose bits and pieces - either you believe in it or you don't. Why don't you let little Timmy make up his own mind for a change. He may thank you for it one day.

Thank you. I'm the Smiling Atheist, and apparently I'm smiling my way all the way down to Hell. But one of the reasons I smile is because I know it doesn't exist.

Have a happy and guilt-free tomorrow.